Talk about the death of thoughts...or the magical moment in the cosmos where you have thoughts to put to the proverbial paper, and the time to actually do so. I think it would be a little extreme to say that there have been no thoughts in over a year. That would actually be sad, more then anything else...and a complete submission to the gods of compliance and work force slavery.
A lot's happened in this past one year, and a lot of it is waiting to happen, like you can see something as you approach the corner. Kind of like vaporized breath.
Priorities in the ever changing glade keep doing what they do...change.
Maybe I will visit sooner this time, and then, maybe I won't.
I guess music inspires me, and today it was a weird little song from this French actress / singer / disappointee called "I'll kill her".
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Friday, January 23, 2009
Jolting the fickle heart!
The economy is bad. But you already know that, everyone knows that. This is the time you get docile and do all that you can to hang on to the job you have! No time for throwing tantrums at work, or being overly individualistic. Come on, I mean my manager got laid off five months ago and is still looking. So Mr. Nayyar, hang on to your job, and hold tight. Major turbulence expected ahead. And yes the ride is going to be exceedingly bumpy, and no-one should be surprised at surprise landings into the Hudson river, miraculous or not!
So this morning, I am sitting quietly in my cube, after disagreeing with my current manager on almost all his suggestions, and feeling good about myself. And suddenly I get a call on my cell (not my direct line at work, but on my cell) by this gravelly voiced Renee! Now I am a huge fan of Joni, and if she were to talk to me, she would probably sound a lot like Renee. So I am instantly hooked.
"Hello Mr. Nayyar, this is Renee from the Global Account Team"
"Oh, hello, how's it going?"
"Good, thank you. I was calling because we were just sent a request to delete your work and email account."
"Uhh...what?"
"Well we got a request to delete your account as you don't have a manager listed to report to in the system. Are you still on the payroll?"
"Uhh...I don't understand, as far as I know I am on the payroll sitting in my cube, checking and sending email about the work I am doing. And I haven't been informed I am being let go."
"Oh, okay, so it must be a miss-communication. Could you tell me the name of your manager?"
--I tell her the name of my manager--
I am thanked and the phone is put down. Not even mentioning that this little conversation would haunt me like the scariest moments from Exorcist, not the new crappy one, but the old, "haunty" one!
Like any rational person, I run to my manager (via messenger of course) and ask him, in a not too subtle manner, am I being let go? The manager of course gives me the regular reassurances, and it's probably a mistake, because my last manager was let go, and they probably forgot to change the system, and so on and so forth!
Needless to say, I needed about 2 hours to recover from this, and my fickle heart was jolted into this bleak reality of the tumbling economy! I am counting on you Mr. Obama to sort all of our lives, and cure all ills. No pressure though! :)
But yes, if I ever had a conversation with Ms. Mitchell, I am sure she would sound a lot like Ms. Renee. So I shall take comfort in that, and head out of work tonight to enjoy this weekend as a happily employed man! What shall come, will come, and will be handled accordingly.
So this morning, I am sitting quietly in my cube, after disagreeing with my current manager on almost all his suggestions, and feeling good about myself. And suddenly I get a call on my cell (not my direct line at work, but on my cell) by this gravelly voiced Renee! Now I am a huge fan of Joni, and if she were to talk to me, she would probably sound a lot like Renee. So I am instantly hooked.
"Hello Mr. Nayyar, this is Renee from the Global Account Team"
"Oh, hello, how's it going?"
"Good, thank you. I was calling because we were just sent a request to delete your work and email account."
"Uhh...what?"
"Well we got a request to delete your account as you don't have a manager listed to report to in the system. Are you still on the payroll?"
"Uhh...I don't understand, as far as I know I am on the payroll sitting in my cube, checking and sending email about the work I am doing. And I haven't been informed I am being let go."
"Oh, okay, so it must be a miss-communication. Could you tell me the name of your manager?"
--I tell her the name of my manager--
I am thanked and the phone is put down. Not even mentioning that this little conversation would haunt me like the scariest moments from Exorcist, not the new crappy one, but the old, "haunty" one!
Like any rational person, I run to my manager (via messenger of course) and ask him, in a not too subtle manner, am I being let go? The manager of course gives me the regular reassurances, and it's probably a mistake, because my last manager was let go, and they probably forgot to change the system, and so on and so forth!
Needless to say, I needed about 2 hours to recover from this, and my fickle heart was jolted into this bleak reality of the tumbling economy! I am counting on you Mr. Obama to sort all of our lives, and cure all ills. No pressure though! :)
But yes, if I ever had a conversation with Ms. Mitchell, I am sure she would sound a lot like Ms. Renee. So I shall take comfort in that, and head out of work tonight to enjoy this weekend as a happily employed man! What shall come, will come, and will be handled accordingly.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Communicating...In response
Difficult questions all! Aren't they?
Could you have done anything else? Yes, you could have, we could all have done something else, but then it would have been something else. You know, if not this, then it would have been that, and so on and on, into the vertigo inducing spirals of what ifs.
But this question, "Could I have done something else?", plagues me constantly. There are many decisions I made that I want to take back, but then, with the information at hand, and the (quadruple) standards drilled into us, I guess the decisions I made don't surprise me, just make me a little sad. Perhaps I, too, think of going for it and putting an end to it. But it's always a fleeting notion, always blocked by too many rational questions, like who will find me? Probably my wife. How will she handle it? Will she spit on my dead body? Will she try to emulate me? Will she curse me for being so selfish? What should I be wearing when I go for it? Should I go all natural and go out with nothing but my skin and bodily excrement on me? Should I dress up in my best suit, shave, and then shave into my veins? Should I be wearing my watch and silver ring (which I feel is now just an extension of my hand)? Should I leave a note? And should that note try to solve all the worldly problems? Or should it just say "Thanks for reading and fuck you very much!".
But more to your point. The decisions we make because we're too young, too shackled by our society, too ignorant, and basically too prone to the emotional black-mail which comes to our proud (albeit seriously misguided) nation too naturally! Well I wish you rebelled at that point. I wish you chose the way of the martyr. I cannot but imagine the possibilities emanating from that very choice. We hear a lot of things, like true love never wants anything in return. Well that is total hogwash! True love is the most selfish, self-indulgent emotion we experience. The sacrifice emanates the from fear of failure and the fear of cantering around only our own existence.
Do I think you'd be happier had you made different choices? I seriously doubt that. We are who we are, and if we are (which you are) people who try to think, evaluate, and fathom emotions and feelings...we're always going to be disturbed SOBs. We'll always have regrets, and passions for possibilities, which once realized, would lose their glitter, for we'd be evaluating some other possibilities.
At some stage, I decided to quit smoking pot, and a friend decided to keep on smoking pot. Our lives have turned out quite differently thus far...but does that really matter? We're both still consistently plagued by misery, but in completely different ways.
This Chinese Billionaire recently killed himself because he lost about 5 billion dollars. He still had 8 billion left. So was it rational for him to end it for losing 5 when he still had 8? Well in human terms, yes! And a big yes at that. We don't evaluate our lives in terms of what we have, but on what we've lost and missed out on.
But of all the insanity of the preceding paragraphs, I am convinced about one thing. You are a great human being! Not because you always do the right thing. Not because you always possess the courage to make the tough decisions. And not because you're the Christ of our times, bearing crosses that are not yours to bear. You, my dear friend, are a great human being because you consistently indulge in the most basic of traits that make us human. You question. And you keep on questioning, even if the questions you're asking are impossible, insane, and out right demented!
Love you for that!
Could you have done anything else? Yes, you could have, we could all have done something else, but then it would have been something else. You know, if not this, then it would have been that, and so on and on, into the vertigo inducing spirals of what ifs.
But this question, "Could I have done something else?", plagues me constantly. There are many decisions I made that I want to take back, but then, with the information at hand, and the (quadruple) standards drilled into us, I guess the decisions I made don't surprise me, just make me a little sad. Perhaps I, too, think of going for it and putting an end to it. But it's always a fleeting notion, always blocked by too many rational questions, like who will find me? Probably my wife. How will she handle it? Will she spit on my dead body? Will she try to emulate me? Will she curse me for being so selfish? What should I be wearing when I go for it? Should I go all natural and go out with nothing but my skin and bodily excrement on me? Should I dress up in my best suit, shave, and then shave into my veins? Should I be wearing my watch and silver ring (which I feel is now just an extension of my hand)? Should I leave a note? And should that note try to solve all the worldly problems? Or should it just say "Thanks for reading and fuck you very much!".
But more to your point. The decisions we make because we're too young, too shackled by our society, too ignorant, and basically too prone to the emotional black-mail which comes to our proud (albeit seriously misguided) nation too naturally! Well I wish you rebelled at that point. I wish you chose the way of the martyr. I cannot but imagine the possibilities emanating from that very choice. We hear a lot of things, like true love never wants anything in return. Well that is total hogwash! True love is the most selfish, self-indulgent emotion we experience. The sacrifice emanates the from fear of failure and the fear of cantering around only our own existence.
Do I think you'd be happier had you made different choices? I seriously doubt that. We are who we are, and if we are (which you are) people who try to think, evaluate, and fathom emotions and feelings...we're always going to be disturbed SOBs. We'll always have regrets, and passions for possibilities, which once realized, would lose their glitter, for we'd be evaluating some other possibilities.
At some stage, I decided to quit smoking pot, and a friend decided to keep on smoking pot. Our lives have turned out quite differently thus far...but does that really matter? We're both still consistently plagued by misery, but in completely different ways.
This Chinese Billionaire recently killed himself because he lost about 5 billion dollars. He still had 8 billion left. So was it rational for him to end it for losing 5 when he still had 8? Well in human terms, yes! And a big yes at that. We don't evaluate our lives in terms of what we have, but on what we've lost and missed out on.
But of all the insanity of the preceding paragraphs, I am convinced about one thing. You are a great human being! Not because you always do the right thing. Not because you always possess the courage to make the tough decisions. And not because you're the Christ of our times, bearing crosses that are not yours to bear. You, my dear friend, are a great human being because you consistently indulge in the most basic of traits that make us human. You question. And you keep on questioning, even if the questions you're asking are impossible, insane, and out right demented!
Love you for that!
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Dawning of a new year...
So here we go again! The usual resolutions plague my mind as I step through the door to welcome 09, and bid a tired and much needed good bye to 08.
This has been a bad year in every sense of the word to the whole world. If there is a mother nature and a mother earth, they would both be putting their feet up with a big beer in their hands, and taking a deep breath.
I am actually excited by the dawning of this new year, as I feel change in the air (not an Obama reference). A make or break sort of a moment. I'm not too optimistic about the change, but a change is needed anyway, good or bad, but change nevertheless.
The process of growing up is actually a process of accepting change more graciously. The more gracious you become in your acceptance, the more grown-up you are. Gone are the final days of high-school where you would sit down on your favorite bench, stationary in your resolve to hold time hostage. Gone are the promises of always being this together. Gone, too, is the feeling of irrepressible loss and heartbreak. Everything changes, but most of all, we change. Given the current state of affairs I feel we all need to change. Change into beings more in tune with empathy, or change into such heartless shits that nothing matters but us.
Boy! Isn't self-preservation just lovely. It can take us places we never thought we'd visit, and justifies our being there in the most resolute of manners. Heck, given the proper opportunity, it would even justify buying a house in Newark and settling there!
I guess I am very lucky to be saying good-bye to 08 with plans of celebrating new-years eve to the wee hours of the morning, and then sleeping though most of the first new day of the year. Heck, I could have been scampering about trying to save my life, not even aware, or rather conscious of the dawning of the new year. So yes, I do feel truly blessed with good fortune (albeit bad or no hair).
So to follow tradition, here are a few of my new documented resolutions...
I will quit smoking
I will talk to more strangers
I will be more self-absorbed (notice, please, the focus on "I")
My other resolutions are in my head, and will remain there (hopefully not getting lost in the pot-infested labyrinths of my brain). The rest, as they say, is history and the making of it.
This has been a bad year in every sense of the word to the whole world. If there is a mother nature and a mother earth, they would both be putting their feet up with a big beer in their hands, and taking a deep breath.
I am actually excited by the dawning of this new year, as I feel change in the air (not an Obama reference). A make or break sort of a moment. I'm not too optimistic about the change, but a change is needed anyway, good or bad, but change nevertheless.
The process of growing up is actually a process of accepting change more graciously. The more gracious you become in your acceptance, the more grown-up you are. Gone are the final days of high-school where you would sit down on your favorite bench, stationary in your resolve to hold time hostage. Gone are the promises of always being this together. Gone, too, is the feeling of irrepressible loss and heartbreak. Everything changes, but most of all, we change. Given the current state of affairs I feel we all need to change. Change into beings more in tune with empathy, or change into such heartless shits that nothing matters but us.
Boy! Isn't self-preservation just lovely. It can take us places we never thought we'd visit, and justifies our being there in the most resolute of manners. Heck, given the proper opportunity, it would even justify buying a house in Newark and settling there!
I guess I am very lucky to be saying good-bye to 08 with plans of celebrating new-years eve to the wee hours of the morning, and then sleeping though most of the first new day of the year. Heck, I could have been scampering about trying to save my life, not even aware, or rather conscious of the dawning of the new year. So yes, I do feel truly blessed with good fortune (albeit bad or no hair).
So to follow tradition, here are a few of my new documented resolutions...
I will quit smoking
I will talk to more strangers
I will be more self-absorbed (notice, please, the focus on "I")
My other resolutions are in my head, and will remain there (hopefully not getting lost in the pot-infested labyrinths of my brain). The rest, as they say, is history and the making of it.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
A 4-Month Hiatus
So, I've been away from this world for 4 months. Well not completely away, as I did come to the blogs I like to follow, but I did try to refrain from making my presence felt. The endeavor, however, had more to do with eternal procrastination then being pseudo-intellectual.
Everything has changed in these last 4 months. The earth is now a completely peaceful place. All the wars have ended. People have stopped fighting, lying, cheating, and moralizing. There hasn't been an un-natural death in these past 4 months, and you can now only die from smoking or boredom.
All the former members of Led Zeppelin have embraced the existence of God and are now working to erase Lucifer from their memories. On the other hand, Pink Floyd's "Lucifer Sam" will now be referred to as "Our adoring uncle Sam".
Children can now speak to strangers without the fear of being touched in their naughty places. The word rape has been removed from all dictionaries, as it is not relevant anymore, and no one understands its meaning.
The Israelis and Palestinians packed their bags and have gone fishing. Of course they are fishing on the principal of catch and release. The fish hooks are made of jello instead of pointy metal. People have stopped eating meat, as animals have equal rights now.
The terrorists are collaborating with Disney to make a new animated movie about grilling "humus" in caves.
The armies all over the world have been disbanded, and all the released soldiers have revived the hippy culture. They're all currently writing a book titled "A 1001 uses of pot".
The only worries now are the worsening state of the Carolina Hurricanes, and what the whole world should do with this newly found euphoria.
I, in the meantime have sprouted wings and am taking flying lessons with pigs...
Everything has changed in these last 4 months. The earth is now a completely peaceful place. All the wars have ended. People have stopped fighting, lying, cheating, and moralizing. There hasn't been an un-natural death in these past 4 months, and you can now only die from smoking or boredom.
All the former members of Led Zeppelin have embraced the existence of God and are now working to erase Lucifer from their memories. On the other hand, Pink Floyd's "Lucifer Sam" will now be referred to as "Our adoring uncle Sam".
Children can now speak to strangers without the fear of being touched in their naughty places. The word rape has been removed from all dictionaries, as it is not relevant anymore, and no one understands its meaning.
The Israelis and Palestinians packed their bags and have gone fishing. Of course they are fishing on the principal of catch and release. The fish hooks are made of jello instead of pointy metal. People have stopped eating meat, as animals have equal rights now.
The terrorists are collaborating with Disney to make a new animated movie about grilling "humus" in caves.
The armies all over the world have been disbanded, and all the released soldiers have revived the hippy culture. They're all currently writing a book titled "A 1001 uses of pot".
The only worries now are the worsening state of the Carolina Hurricanes, and what the whole world should do with this newly found euphoria.
I, in the meantime have sprouted wings and am taking flying lessons with pigs...
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Happy Birthday my Love!
August 14th, 2008. 61 years old. In human terms 60 is the age where you retire and look back at all your accomplishments. In terms of a nation, I feel 60 is our 20. A mere exit from the violent and uncertainty of the teenage years. Just about graduating and looking onto the kind of life you will be leading. Today I don't want to get into that. I don't want to discuss where we are, and where we're headed...
I just feel that I am blessed to be back in the country I adore, that too on her birthday. I'll try to do what a very dear friend always asks me to do...simplify things. So I will try to simplify my emotions.
I love the national anthems, new and reworked playing all day on TV. I can listen to Amanat Ali singing "Aye watan pyaaray watan...paak watan..." forever. His voice, the poetry, and the tune, stir up things inside you, that you never knew existed! I feel proud to be a Pakistani every time I listen to this milli naghma.
I love the big flags tied on cars and motorbikes (even though the realist in me feels they are quite unsafe). I love the way these flags flap in the wind as the motor speeds down the highway. I love the jubilant expressions on the faces of the drivers of these cars and bikes. For one day, they forget all their worries, and just go out and celebrate.
I love all the kids in my street who buy little paper flags strung on strings, and decorate their houses with them. And then put up the biggest flag they have on their house. I love they purity of these kids. They love their country, and grow up thinking it is the best place to live in.
I love the elders in my family, who tell stories of partition, and every year make us realize what it meant to leave everything to pursue an idea. What freedom means, I feel all of us, who were born free, can never truly comprehend. For can one truly understand love without losing it?
Above all, I love Jinnah, the man and the concept. I love watching his stock footage on TV, I love the way he talks. I love every quote of his that is displayed proudly on all our channels. I love the heavy drawl in his voice. I love the way he stands, and then moves his hands while he speaks. Heck I even love the way he smokes his cigar. If only all our nation took to him, and tried to mold themselves in his ways. For you never have to be perfect, and you'll never get everything right. But as long as you're pursuing your beliefs honestly, it doesn't matter what those beliefs were. You get where no one thought you'd get to!
I love his sister, right besides him, always. A notion of utter equality and respect. That too in the 30s and 40s, a time when the free world was still stuck in segregation and gender crushing. I love the confidence she exudes, and the confidence she gives Jinnah, you can see it in all the grainy footage. I love the stable head on her head. If only all the men and women in our nation molded themselves after this lady.
I love the fact that I still hope to see this country as probably Jinnah and Fatima saw it. I love to be able to see her true potential. I love that I still have hope, for at the end, it is always hope that prevails.
I just feel that I am blessed to be back in the country I adore, that too on her birthday. I'll try to do what a very dear friend always asks me to do...simplify things. So I will try to simplify my emotions.
I love the national anthems, new and reworked playing all day on TV. I can listen to Amanat Ali singing "Aye watan pyaaray watan...paak watan..." forever. His voice, the poetry, and the tune, stir up things inside you, that you never knew existed! I feel proud to be a Pakistani every time I listen to this milli naghma.
I love the big flags tied on cars and motorbikes (even though the realist in me feels they are quite unsafe). I love the way these flags flap in the wind as the motor speeds down the highway. I love the jubilant expressions on the faces of the drivers of these cars and bikes. For one day, they forget all their worries, and just go out and celebrate.
I love all the kids in my street who buy little paper flags strung on strings, and decorate their houses with them. And then put up the biggest flag they have on their house. I love they purity of these kids. They love their country, and grow up thinking it is the best place to live in.
I love the elders in my family, who tell stories of partition, and every year make us realize what it meant to leave everything to pursue an idea. What freedom means, I feel all of us, who were born free, can never truly comprehend. For can one truly understand love without losing it?
Above all, I love Jinnah, the man and the concept. I love watching his stock footage on TV, I love the way he talks. I love every quote of his that is displayed proudly on all our channels. I love the heavy drawl in his voice. I love the way he stands, and then moves his hands while he speaks. Heck I even love the way he smokes his cigar. If only all our nation took to him, and tried to mold themselves in his ways. For you never have to be perfect, and you'll never get everything right. But as long as you're pursuing your beliefs honestly, it doesn't matter what those beliefs were. You get where no one thought you'd get to!
I love his sister, right besides him, always. A notion of utter equality and respect. That too in the 30s and 40s, a time when the free world was still stuck in segregation and gender crushing. I love the confidence she exudes, and the confidence she gives Jinnah, you can see it in all the grainy footage. I love the stable head on her head. If only all the men and women in our nation molded themselves after this lady.
I love the fact that I still hope to see this country as probably Jinnah and Fatima saw it. I love to be able to see her true potential. I love that I still have hope, for at the end, it is always hope that prevails.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Coming back
So it's been a while that I've been in the city I love and breathe. It's been a little weird as far as home comings go. First off, I didn't feel the usual tingling that accompanies me on the Ohh so long flight back home. This time it was just getting from one airport to the next, until you get to the airport you set out for. And when I finally got back, I was just in a daze, surrounded by all my family, smiles on their faces, and long drawn stories on their lips. Somehow I feel I am still in that daze...a little lagged out of reality.
It also doesn't help that they've changed my city so much, in just one year. Gone are the roads I grew up on, and learned to drive on. All replaced by quasi highways, with motor cars racing by, avoiding a nest of bicycles, and kids playing cricket. Traffic has somehow gotten ruder with the advent of the roads of the new millennium (which I feel was a bit delayed here). While the traffic now moves at a furious pace, the people are still where I left them. The topics of discussion still remain the same, modern Islam vs traditional Islam, new corrupt politicians vs old corrupt politicians, political and economic uncertainties, etc etc.
Parents are a huge comfort as always, but every time I am sitting with them, I keep thinking about going back. The food poisoning didn't help either. Neither did the lying personnel at Wateen that I dealt with. Wateen is this company that provides high speed internet connectivity, or at least they claim to provide it, and shower you with glorious extensions of truth, and outright lies. All told to make you feel the way they think you want to feel. Like the girl telling the boy she still loves him, when they both know love died a long time ago. The good thing is that little episode is now over.
But still that little daze, and that little discomfort remains, nagging at the back of the mind, like an old injury that never fully heals. I am hoping that the little excursion I am planning with my oldest friends would help. I guess I'd be able to say more about it in 6 days or so.
This is getting depressing...so time to end this to return another day.
It also doesn't help that they've changed my city so much, in just one year. Gone are the roads I grew up on, and learned to drive on. All replaced by quasi highways, with motor cars racing by, avoiding a nest of bicycles, and kids playing cricket. Traffic has somehow gotten ruder with the advent of the roads of the new millennium (which I feel was a bit delayed here). While the traffic now moves at a furious pace, the people are still where I left them. The topics of discussion still remain the same, modern Islam vs traditional Islam, new corrupt politicians vs old corrupt politicians, political and economic uncertainties, etc etc.
Parents are a huge comfort as always, but every time I am sitting with them, I keep thinking about going back. The food poisoning didn't help either. Neither did the lying personnel at Wateen that I dealt with. Wateen is this company that provides high speed internet connectivity, or at least they claim to provide it, and shower you with glorious extensions of truth, and outright lies. All told to make you feel the way they think you want to feel. Like the girl telling the boy she still loves him, when they both know love died a long time ago. The good thing is that little episode is now over.
But still that little daze, and that little discomfort remains, nagging at the back of the mind, like an old injury that never fully heals. I am hoping that the little excursion I am planning with my oldest friends would help. I guess I'd be able to say more about it in 6 days or so.
This is getting depressing...so time to end this to return another day.
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