...being understood...to your son...

How difficult is it exactly to be understood? You know, how much does it take to have your intentions, needs, and thoughts to be interpreted in an honest manner?

Remember that time when everything was just jumping in the puddles, ringing doorbells and running away, eating as much candy as you could? And then came the time of ideals and perfection. Where love was true, friendship was integrity, and the biggest act of cruelty in life meant cheating on your homework. Slowly but steadily all those visions of "the perfect world" were ripped apart, layer by layer, like peeling an onion in your hands. Ripping open each layer, until you were left with nothing in your hands, and tears in your eyes.

Why is it now, that the noblest of intentions are taken into contention and ripped apart by sarcasm and this increasing sense of pessemistic negativity? Where the word "pure" can only be related to a bottle of "Le Blue" sparkling clean water.

I feel plagued today. I feel like leprosy today. I feel like a virus eroding everything, and everyone around me. I feel like a plague that would eat up humanity in one giant gulp. And that gulp will be followed by the most overdrawn and understood silence.

I feel like an Eskimo who is picked up from the poles and dropped smack in the center of the bustling roads of hot and humid Karachi. Being drenched with this sickening coating of sweat. Losing myself in the blurrs of life, complimented by the strokes of heat. Being dehydrated and seeing the world go blurry, and then like a picture tube blowing its fuse, converging into this bright white spot in the middle of the screen, and finally dissolving into total darkness.

Why is it that now, not only can I not be understood, I have also been gifted by the gift of being unable to understand another soul? Why is it when someone says something to me now, I start analysing it for the worst possible outcome. Like a paranoid doctor getting the flu, and starting out from AIDS and working his way down, eliminating the deseases in a top-down manner, from the most treachourous to the least. All the while being enveloped by his own paranoia...

I want to be able to take a smile for what it is. A simple and noble gesture, inclined to make you feel good. I don't want to take that smile and take it apart with respect to the conditions it was given under.

I want to buy a chocolate sundae and eat it whole, getting my fingers and mouth dirty in the process of consumption. I don't want to look for a napkin everytime I drop some on my clothes, or get some on my hands. I want to be there, in that moment of pure joy that came with eating a larger then life bowl of ice cream.

I want to close my eyes, and be understood once and for all, as who I am, what I want, and how I feel...

I want to close my eyes, and understand all those who love me, and matter to me, simply for what they feel, how they came to be where they are now, and who they actually are to themselves.

I want to take them as they are, without any intention of modification in terms of improvement, and I want to be accepted by them for who I am.

Do I really give a fuck about the things I think I give a fuck about? Or is it the things I have pushed aside that I really care about, but am too fearful to open the Pandora's box? Is this true for everyone I know?

I will survive today knowing that Babar had a son, and there's another couple out there who would make sure that their child will grow up to respect life, and value things that have real worth. It's the thought that their son would walk out into the world when he comes of age, and will walk out knowing that as long as people have the ability to change, this world that we, their fathers are ravaging, can change.

He would walk out from his home, with a sparkle in his eyes, and would take on all that is not right, and make it right. He would carve that little niche first, where human-beings will feel human. Where laughter would be cherished, and intentions praised for their goodness. And that little niche' will spread into the whole world like light overcoming night.

I would survive today...hoping and knowing that a better tomorrow exists, and would come. Where even I may be saved from my own fallacies. Where even my soul will be resurrected; out from the evils of contempt and hatred and into the warm shores of understanding and being understood...