Demons by Ross Parson
Down on the hard, wet, sand, a man raced past, disappearing into the night fog. Their eyes followed him, then turned to watch for his pursuer.
"Just his own demons, I guess."
"Got any yourself ?"
"Just you sweetie."
"He'll run out of beach...or breath."
"Or, hopefully, demons."
"I guess it's always a race"
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Monday, January 24, 2005
Of Death and defiance
Was just chatting with Aijaz, the usual mindless banter of two people stuck in office with not really much to do for the day, and somehow, we struck upon the topic of death. Yes it was discussing the death of Parveen Babi, a glam doll of the 60s and 70s of the Indian cinema. Well she was found dead in her apartment after the neighbours complained of a collecting pile of news papers and milk bottles outside her house. She had apparently been dead for over two days, due to either a medical overdose or gangrine.
A stralet loved by millions, fantacized about by thousands, found dead, all alone, probably rotting. Once deemed the most beautiful woman of her era, now long forgotten like some small act of kindness.
An excerpt from the chat:
Mohican says:
haan waisay parveen babi's death depressed me, lying dead in flat for over 2 days
Mohican says:
no friends no family
Mohican says:
i wudn't want to go alone, i wud want to be surrounded
Mohican says:
no
@ñKÂHi ® says:
you won't die alone
@ñKÂHi ® says:
I know that
Mohican says:
i take that back, i guess death is something you should experience in the privacy of your company and none other
Mohican says:
what do you say?
@ñKÂHi ® says:
haan it is a personal thing
@ñKÂHi ® says:
maghar you won't be alone
Mohican says:
waisay at time of death i;m sure we wudn't even give a shit if we are alone or not, we'd just be thinking O SHIT! we're dead! ha ha
@ñKÂHi ® says:
"office mayn aik adad bed hona chahiyay" quotes Omair Hameed, my office seat neigbour
Mohican says:
ha ha! true, waisay right now i really want to stretch my back, not sleep, just stretch my back
.
.
.
@ñKÂHi ® says:
wish someday tu waapis aajaa yaar
@ñKÂHi ® says:
before this life goes waapis
@ñKÂHi ® says:
pata nahin I don't believe that we will live long
@ñKÂHi ® says:
anyways....
.
.
.
Mohican says:
same here buddy, either that or we'd live one of those extremely long, never ending lives
.
.
.
Mohican says:
no moderation, just extremes
@ñKÂHi ® says:
yup
@ñKÂHi ® says:
agreed
So that was the brief conversation we had, that's left me thinking, or rather pondering death. Questions like would I be petrified when my time comes? Would I shit in my pants? Would I even be allowed the dignity of being dressed when the time comes? Or Would I be waiting for it patiently, knwoing that the time's come? Would I be full of grace leaving at the departure gate of this planet?
I've witnessed a few deaths in my life, people that I loved quite a bit. The first was my grandfather (father's side), but I was really too small to realize the implications. But I remember it was a fit of tremendous rage to remove all the intravenous drips and the catheter. An old old man getting up with a furious burst of energy pulling all these cords out of his body, and then in a moment just going limp, falling back, face totally devoid of expression. The doctors termed it a major heart attack (or was it a stroke)...
Second time I witnessed death was when my grandmother (mother's side) crossed over to the other side. This time I was a bit older (though not that much), and in all reality much more attached to her. You see in her failing times she stayed in my room for a while, and it was nice to have her there, although she had forgotten more or less everything, but did recongize a thing of two when I pulled some act to cheer her up or just shut her up...oh I am so sorry for that...
I remember death coming slowly to her. Doctors had already sent her home, nothing they could do...I remember her breathing most, I mean she was breathing, then the breathing got quicker, louder, and then even louder. At the end it was the breathing of an 18 year old after a 20 mile run. So strong, I never thought her frail chest was capable of that. And then it ended in these little wheezes.
She drifts away...
Third and last time was the recent past, when my favourite uncle passed away. Now this was probably the most paranormal of all. I was staying with him at the hospital in the nights, with his son. I remmeber he was taken to the hospital in very bad shape, and he improved there, became stable. It's strange how weak the lungs of these tall strong men were!
Anyway the doctors even sent him home for Eid. So that he could spend it with family. The eid was good, the ending of it wasn't. I remember him asking me at the end of the day that he'd just need two more days of my time, and since he was doing so well, of course he meant two days to recovery. Right sure. So late that night we took him back to the hospital. Exactly two days later just after he was in the best of spirit; he got off his bed, came sat with us on our bench, complimented the slippers I wore, and then he got up and sat down on the ground. We asked him why he was doing that. His reply was simple, he did not need beds anymore! Exactly two hours later he was dead, exactly two days after he asked for another two days from me. What I remember about his passing was that in his last moment he did not break eye contact with his younger son (they always had a special link, like from a De Maurier novel), and just kept looking into them, without blinking as life lost him. But he was always calm and collected, looking into the eyes of his beloved son...
Now how would this inevitable passage be for me? Would it be in the bounds of a rage? Would it be when I am scared witless and shaking? Would it be that I'd know the time's come and accept it, and move on? Of course I can't say! I hope it's the last, but I'd never know till I know I guess! Ha ha. But the question I'm thinking about mostly is that would I want the ones I love and cherish around me at that moment?
See death is probably when you are most vunerable after your birth. Totally defenseless, in the middle of the grandest stage, stark naked, having forgotten all the lines and the name of the play! Now the people I love, I adore are also the people I hope love and adore me. And with love and adoration comes respect. I would want them to respect me the way I respect them. And I would want them to remember me as I am today, looking up to the rising sun, running hard...the good run.
I wouldn't want them to remember me at that final moment where I'd probably have no control over myself...
So yes, when it is time to go, I'd rather go alone, walk the final walk with myself to give me company. And if it's an exit that is graceful then I would always remember that about me, and if not, then I'm sure I'll keep my own little secert!
Time shall tell!
A stralet loved by millions, fantacized about by thousands, found dead, all alone, probably rotting. Once deemed the most beautiful woman of her era, now long forgotten like some small act of kindness.
An excerpt from the chat:
Mohican says:
haan waisay parveen babi's death depressed me, lying dead in flat for over 2 days
Mohican says:
no friends no family
Mohican says:
i wudn't want to go alone, i wud want to be surrounded
Mohican says:
no
@ñKÂHi ® says:
you won't die alone
@ñKÂHi ® says:
I know that
Mohican says:
i take that back, i guess death is something you should experience in the privacy of your company and none other
Mohican says:
what do you say?
@ñKÂHi ® says:
haan it is a personal thing
@ñKÂHi ® says:
maghar you won't be alone
Mohican says:
waisay at time of death i;m sure we wudn't even give a shit if we are alone or not, we'd just be thinking O SHIT! we're dead! ha ha
@ñKÂHi ® says:
"office mayn aik adad bed hona chahiyay" quotes Omair Hameed, my office seat neigbour
Mohican says:
ha ha! true, waisay right now i really want to stretch my back, not sleep, just stretch my back
.
.
.
@ñKÂHi ® says:
wish someday tu waapis aajaa yaar
@ñKÂHi ® says:
before this life goes waapis
@ñKÂHi ® says:
pata nahin I don't believe that we will live long
@ñKÂHi ® says:
anyways....
.
.
.
Mohican says:
same here buddy, either that or we'd live one of those extremely long, never ending lives
.
.
.
Mohican says:
no moderation, just extremes
@ñKÂHi ® says:
yup
@ñKÂHi ® says:
agreed
So that was the brief conversation we had, that's left me thinking, or rather pondering death. Questions like would I be petrified when my time comes? Would I shit in my pants? Would I even be allowed the dignity of being dressed when the time comes? Or Would I be waiting for it patiently, knwoing that the time's come? Would I be full of grace leaving at the departure gate of this planet?
I've witnessed a few deaths in my life, people that I loved quite a bit. The first was my grandfather (father's side), but I was really too small to realize the implications. But I remember it was a fit of tremendous rage to remove all the intravenous drips and the catheter. An old old man getting up with a furious burst of energy pulling all these cords out of his body, and then in a moment just going limp, falling back, face totally devoid of expression. The doctors termed it a major heart attack (or was it a stroke)...
Second time I witnessed death was when my grandmother (mother's side) crossed over to the other side. This time I was a bit older (though not that much), and in all reality much more attached to her. You see in her failing times she stayed in my room for a while, and it was nice to have her there, although she had forgotten more or less everything, but did recongize a thing of two when I pulled some act to cheer her up or just shut her up...oh I am so sorry for that...
I remember death coming slowly to her. Doctors had already sent her home, nothing they could do...I remember her breathing most, I mean she was breathing, then the breathing got quicker, louder, and then even louder. At the end it was the breathing of an 18 year old after a 20 mile run. So strong, I never thought her frail chest was capable of that. And then it ended in these little wheezes.
She drifts away...
Third and last time was the recent past, when my favourite uncle passed away. Now this was probably the most paranormal of all. I was staying with him at the hospital in the nights, with his son. I remmeber he was taken to the hospital in very bad shape, and he improved there, became stable. It's strange how weak the lungs of these tall strong men were!
Anyway the doctors even sent him home for Eid. So that he could spend it with family. The eid was good, the ending of it wasn't. I remember him asking me at the end of the day that he'd just need two more days of my time, and since he was doing so well, of course he meant two days to recovery. Right sure. So late that night we took him back to the hospital. Exactly two days later just after he was in the best of spirit; he got off his bed, came sat with us on our bench, complimented the slippers I wore, and then he got up and sat down on the ground. We asked him why he was doing that. His reply was simple, he did not need beds anymore! Exactly two hours later he was dead, exactly two days after he asked for another two days from me. What I remember about his passing was that in his last moment he did not break eye contact with his younger son (they always had a special link, like from a De Maurier novel), and just kept looking into them, without blinking as life lost him. But he was always calm and collected, looking into the eyes of his beloved son...
Now how would this inevitable passage be for me? Would it be in the bounds of a rage? Would it be when I am scared witless and shaking? Would it be that I'd know the time's come and accept it, and move on? Of course I can't say! I hope it's the last, but I'd never know till I know I guess! Ha ha. But the question I'm thinking about mostly is that would I want the ones I love and cherish around me at that moment?
See death is probably when you are most vunerable after your birth. Totally defenseless, in the middle of the grandest stage, stark naked, having forgotten all the lines and the name of the play! Now the people I love, I adore are also the people I hope love and adore me. And with love and adoration comes respect. I would want them to respect me the way I respect them. And I would want them to remember me as I am today, looking up to the rising sun, running hard...the good run.
I wouldn't want them to remember me at that final moment where I'd probably have no control over myself...
So yes, when it is time to go, I'd rather go alone, walk the final walk with myself to give me company. And if it's an exit that is graceful then I would always remember that about me, and if not, then I'm sure I'll keep my own little secert!
Time shall tell!
Saturday, January 22, 2005
And Eid flies by
Hmm...that was quick (and thank God for that)! I am sure I've said this more then once, but I'll say it again, these sort of festive events should only come when you are with your family! And by family I don't just mean my wife, my parents, but the whole crew of about 35 people. My aunts, uncles, cousins, and their kids! Everyday I realize how much I love them, and how much they mean to me.
Now to come to this Eid. I guess the highlight would be when we went to offer the Eid prayers at 7 in the morning, and it was drizzling, with a strong wind. Ofcourse I had brought no warm clothes with me. (Come on, how cold can it get in a desert! Answer to that, pretty cold!) But I think even if I had my warm clothes with me, I would have avoided them. See it's just brilliant when the cold morning wind breezes into your soul, with a little bit of rain. Ummmmmm...delicious!
So Eid was good, and Waseem chacha (Alina's uncle) and family made it really comfortable for me, bless them! And chachee was kind enough to make some delicious vegetarian food for me, respecting my vegetarian habits for this time of the year, and well, the food was enticing, in an honest way! See when the food is good then half the battle is won, more then half for me, ha ha. Ofcourse the reel of family pictures kept floating in front of my eyes, and I had my low moments, but hey, that WAS due to happen.
O and I also finally went to the famed Global Village, and even that was better then expected, or atleast the death defying rides sure were! See what they have going there is that the area marked for the festival is considered a globe, and different countries are mapped onto it! Just think of a country and it's there, and watching all the different cultures, their music, their clothes is quite a heartening experience. I mean you grow up reading geography, and about all these different countries, but to see people from all these countries gathered together in a 4 square mile radius, Wow! (that's my assumption, don't go by it, most probably it totally inaccurate)
See I've always been aware that this little planet of ours is a big place, but that night I was conscious of it. All these people from all these countries, so different in so many ways, and yet still the same. Once again I plead to this world, stop the Goddamn senseless killing! We're all more or less the same, then what's the freaking point! OK, I am not going down that tunnel right now.
Yes, the rides, well I did manage to sit in this totally exorbitant ride, one of those "take you to the threshold of life and death" experiences. See you are encapsulated in a roller coaster kind of chest cover (and thank God for that), and are rotated at furiously fast speeds in a ginormous vertical circle, in both clockwise and anticlockwise directions, and the seat you are sitting in is also rotating, in all possible manners of rotation. Totally like earth's trip round the sun, just a lot more erratic and out of control. And to top it off, yes, it was drizzling, and to feel tiny droplets of water on your face at that height and speed...hmm...what was that expression? Ha ha.
You know when I came over to this desert, the one thing I dreaded most was that there would be no rain, and well, it's rained here, it's hailed here, it's been a combination of all sorts of my favorite violent weather.
O and I also took my uncle's kids with me, so it was my group of friends (all in their mid to late twenties and some into their thirties) and my uncle's son and daughter (in their teens, son 14teen, daughter 18teen). And I just watched in amazement how these two sects (if I may be allowed to call them) blended in. See we in our late twenties are really missing that wonderful college / school life, and we haven't totally forgotten about it, and can't but go back. And the residents of the teens can't wait to graduate and enter the so called adult life, job, apartment, car, etc etc. So for a change both the sects were totally fond of each other, and admired each other, and above all, wanted to be each other! That's why I was wondering if I can call them sects, cause you hear sects and the first thing that comes to mind is undiluted bouts of loathing. And most of my friends went to the same school as my cousins were now attending. The same school, the same syllabus, just about a decade ago! Wow! And at the end of the day the only difference was that the idols changed, the fashions changed, and the rest, all the same. Even some of the teachers survived. And you can always spend weeks talking about all those teachers you thought were from Mars ten years ago, with these teenagers who think they are from Mars in present day!
And yes, boys and girls are like totally different species in their teens. See as time passes by, I think the male and female specimens learn to co-exist, we find out things that both can go through with a smile on the face, and we keep on doing those things, and of course there's the rare boys night out and the girls night out, to bring back some sanity! But in the teens, well, in the teens...
The boy (under the knife of my observation) was just keen to tell the universe how brave, and strong and fearless he was, and how no rules existed for him. How the "sun was totally uncool, and the night was it!" And the girl, well she was totally bent upon showing how grown up and mature and adult she is, and of course how she feels that Hillary Duff is the most intelligent person in this world! OK, now that's taking it a bit far...But to sum it up, I guess the girls want to carry more of a Katherine Hepburn (we still love you) aura, and the boys want to be more of 2 Pac figures. Disagree anyone?
I guess this is enough rambling for now.
Oh and Eid Mubarak!
Now to come to this Eid. I guess the highlight would be when we went to offer the Eid prayers at 7 in the morning, and it was drizzling, with a strong wind. Ofcourse I had brought no warm clothes with me. (Come on, how cold can it get in a desert! Answer to that, pretty cold!) But I think even if I had my warm clothes with me, I would have avoided them. See it's just brilliant when the cold morning wind breezes into your soul, with a little bit of rain. Ummmmmm...delicious!
So Eid was good, and Waseem chacha (Alina's uncle) and family made it really comfortable for me, bless them! And chachee was kind enough to make some delicious vegetarian food for me, respecting my vegetarian habits for this time of the year, and well, the food was enticing, in an honest way! See when the food is good then half the battle is won, more then half for me, ha ha. Ofcourse the reel of family pictures kept floating in front of my eyes, and I had my low moments, but hey, that WAS due to happen.
O and I also finally went to the famed Global Village, and even that was better then expected, or atleast the death defying rides sure were! See what they have going there is that the area marked for the festival is considered a globe, and different countries are mapped onto it! Just think of a country and it's there, and watching all the different cultures, their music, their clothes is quite a heartening experience. I mean you grow up reading geography, and about all these different countries, but to see people from all these countries gathered together in a 4 square mile radius, Wow! (that's my assumption, don't go by it, most probably it totally inaccurate)
See I've always been aware that this little planet of ours is a big place, but that night I was conscious of it. All these people from all these countries, so different in so many ways, and yet still the same. Once again I plead to this world, stop the Goddamn senseless killing! We're all more or less the same, then what's the freaking point! OK, I am not going down that tunnel right now.
Yes, the rides, well I did manage to sit in this totally exorbitant ride, one of those "take you to the threshold of life and death" experiences. See you are encapsulated in a roller coaster kind of chest cover (and thank God for that), and are rotated at furiously fast speeds in a ginormous vertical circle, in both clockwise and anticlockwise directions, and the seat you are sitting in is also rotating, in all possible manners of rotation. Totally like earth's trip round the sun, just a lot more erratic and out of control. And to top it off, yes, it was drizzling, and to feel tiny droplets of water on your face at that height and speed...hmm...what was that expression? Ha ha.
You know when I came over to this desert, the one thing I dreaded most was that there would be no rain, and well, it's rained here, it's hailed here, it's been a combination of all sorts of my favorite violent weather.
O and I also took my uncle's kids with me, so it was my group of friends (all in their mid to late twenties and some into their thirties) and my uncle's son and daughter (in their teens, son 14teen, daughter 18teen). And I just watched in amazement how these two sects (if I may be allowed to call them) blended in. See we in our late twenties are really missing that wonderful college / school life, and we haven't totally forgotten about it, and can't but go back. And the residents of the teens can't wait to graduate and enter the so called adult life, job, apartment, car, etc etc. So for a change both the sects were totally fond of each other, and admired each other, and above all, wanted to be each other! That's why I was wondering if I can call them sects, cause you hear sects and the first thing that comes to mind is undiluted bouts of loathing. And most of my friends went to the same school as my cousins were now attending. The same school, the same syllabus, just about a decade ago! Wow! And at the end of the day the only difference was that the idols changed, the fashions changed, and the rest, all the same. Even some of the teachers survived. And you can always spend weeks talking about all those teachers you thought were from Mars ten years ago, with these teenagers who think they are from Mars in present day!
And yes, boys and girls are like totally different species in their teens. See as time passes by, I think the male and female specimens learn to co-exist, we find out things that both can go through with a smile on the face, and we keep on doing those things, and of course there's the rare boys night out and the girls night out, to bring back some sanity! But in the teens, well, in the teens...
The boy (under the knife of my observation) was just keen to tell the universe how brave, and strong and fearless he was, and how no rules existed for him. How the "sun was totally uncool, and the night was it!" And the girl, well she was totally bent upon showing how grown up and mature and adult she is, and of course how she feels that Hillary Duff is the most intelligent person in this world! OK, now that's taking it a bit far...But to sum it up, I guess the girls want to carry more of a Katherine Hepburn (we still love you) aura, and the boys want to be more of 2 Pac figures. Disagree anyone?
I guess this is enough rambling for now.
Oh and Eid Mubarak!
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Fading / Dissolving
I've been meaning to come to blog, an activity that's fast becoming my favorite. But somehow never got around to it. Not that I didn't have time, but because had too many thoughts and didn't know what to do with them. It really is true that the lesser you talk the more you think, and I've been doing that for some time now. Mind you, I do not speak of constructive and "help the humanity" thoughts, but just thoughts, one coming and another fading, while the other dissolving into another becoming a new thought, and then a newer thought.
Am I making sense?
When was the last time I lay down, flat out, on the ground and conjured up shapes out of scattered clouds? I swear I saw a dancing ballerina the other day in the sky, after so long, so so long! When was the last time I admired migrating birds, and marveled at how systematic, determined, and focused they were? I swear I saw a whole flock of them, darting through the skies like a speeding arrow! These days I've been doing all these things, doing all this because I'm not saying much, but thinking a lot. Does it all add up? Ever?
Last weekend I went to the movies with Yousuf and Faryal, and their lovely daughter, whose recently learned to walk (well about 2 months recently). And now when you go out with her, there's no stopping her. She does not want to be carried any more, she just wants to carry her self far far away on her own two little feet. In these last two years I've basically been watching movies every time I go to the cinemas, but this time I went to the movies, where the objective really isn't to watch the movie, but to enjoy the whole charade! Of course Mano went bonkers in the second half of the movie, and from then on, there was a movie going on, on screen, and another (much more interesting and entertaining) movie going on on the seat next to mine. You just couldn't contain the kid! Bless her! I wonder if anything can be more refreshing then the tantrums thrown by kids...I'm sure Yousuf would disagree who missed the ending of the movie because he had to go out of the cinema with the kid!
Last night I got home quite late (after an unsuccessful attempt to resurrect a system from viruses), and was totally drained. Had a hard day at work yesterday, and then the failed virus removal exercise. But instead of walking into my room and hitting the bed immediately, I just walked around, in circles literally. The same roads again and again. And it felt good, just doing the rounds of the streets of my neighborhood like a security guard, making sure that everything's in place.
So Eid's coming up, and I remember mentioning in some previous post that I was looking forward to two things, one new years, and two the Eid. At new year's I was supposed to have a blast, and at Eid I was supposed to get depressed. Well I guess I can still keep the second of the two promises! I'm just thinking what everyone would be up to right now back home! Yep, I have a full picture, and I really want to put it to words right now, I guess it's too difficult to describe. See too many words in every language describing actions, and too few describing feelings, and things that are just felt...
Is there really a state of contentment, where you can just sit back and be satisfied? There always is something to be achieved, some level desired. Words from Babar come to mind right now, "simplify life"! Simple! You're running after too many things, you're thinking about things that you shouldn't really be thinking about. Just simplify it all. But it's not really that simple is it! At least for a bloke like me. If there's some classification between thinkers and achievers, then I'd definitely be a thinker, and not a thinker like Newton, who achieved because he thought, but a thinker like...well like someone like...me I guess. But there's so much I want to do, and I don't mean things like "I want to be CEO of my own company in 5 years", but things like living on a farm, raising cattle, working in a factory, write a book, make a small little movie on that book, sharing all this with someone, and sharing that someone's experiences too, and so much that I can't even think of right now. But it would come back to me.
Whenever I look into my mother's eyes I see so much that she wanted to do, so much that she could have done, she could really have been a wild soul, living life in the moment. But..ahh always a but! I think she made a choice somewhere along the line, she chose, and she lived up to it, and she's still doing just that at full blow. I think that's how it always is "running before time took our dreams away..."! Floyd! You can always refer to Floyd.
But I still want to hang onto my dreams, and live them every time I can sneak them into my life choices. Is that possible? Well there's only one way to find out isn't there.
Live on...keep fading, keep dissolving, keep living!
O and happy birthday Zeeshan!
Am I making sense?
When was the last time I lay down, flat out, on the ground and conjured up shapes out of scattered clouds? I swear I saw a dancing ballerina the other day in the sky, after so long, so so long! When was the last time I admired migrating birds, and marveled at how systematic, determined, and focused they were? I swear I saw a whole flock of them, darting through the skies like a speeding arrow! These days I've been doing all these things, doing all this because I'm not saying much, but thinking a lot. Does it all add up? Ever?
Last weekend I went to the movies with Yousuf and Faryal, and their lovely daughter, whose recently learned to walk (well about 2 months recently). And now when you go out with her, there's no stopping her. She does not want to be carried any more, she just wants to carry her self far far away on her own two little feet. In these last two years I've basically been watching movies every time I go to the cinemas, but this time I went to the movies, where the objective really isn't to watch the movie, but to enjoy the whole charade! Of course Mano went bonkers in the second half of the movie, and from then on, there was a movie going on, on screen, and another (much more interesting and entertaining) movie going on on the seat next to mine. You just couldn't contain the kid! Bless her! I wonder if anything can be more refreshing then the tantrums thrown by kids...I'm sure Yousuf would disagree who missed the ending of the movie because he had to go out of the cinema with the kid!
Last night I got home quite late (after an unsuccessful attempt to resurrect a system from viruses), and was totally drained. Had a hard day at work yesterday, and then the failed virus removal exercise. But instead of walking into my room and hitting the bed immediately, I just walked around, in circles literally. The same roads again and again. And it felt good, just doing the rounds of the streets of my neighborhood like a security guard, making sure that everything's in place.
So Eid's coming up, and I remember mentioning in some previous post that I was looking forward to two things, one new years, and two the Eid. At new year's I was supposed to have a blast, and at Eid I was supposed to get depressed. Well I guess I can still keep the second of the two promises! I'm just thinking what everyone would be up to right now back home! Yep, I have a full picture, and I really want to put it to words right now, I guess it's too difficult to describe. See too many words in every language describing actions, and too few describing feelings, and things that are just felt...
Is there really a state of contentment, where you can just sit back and be satisfied? There always is something to be achieved, some level desired. Words from Babar come to mind right now, "simplify life"! Simple! You're running after too many things, you're thinking about things that you shouldn't really be thinking about. Just simplify it all. But it's not really that simple is it! At least for a bloke like me. If there's some classification between thinkers and achievers, then I'd definitely be a thinker, and not a thinker like Newton, who achieved because he thought, but a thinker like...well like someone like...me I guess. But there's so much I want to do, and I don't mean things like "I want to be CEO of my own company in 5 years", but things like living on a farm, raising cattle, working in a factory, write a book, make a small little movie on that book, sharing all this with someone, and sharing that someone's experiences too, and so much that I can't even think of right now. But it would come back to me.
Whenever I look into my mother's eyes I see so much that she wanted to do, so much that she could have done, she could really have been a wild soul, living life in the moment. But..ahh always a but! I think she made a choice somewhere along the line, she chose, and she lived up to it, and she's still doing just that at full blow. I think that's how it always is "running before time took our dreams away..."! Floyd! You can always refer to Floyd.
But I still want to hang onto my dreams, and live them every time I can sneak them into my life choices. Is that possible? Well there's only one way to find out isn't there.
Live on...keep fading, keep dissolving, keep living!
O and happy birthday Zeeshan!
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Thick Clouds
Have I ever mentioned how fascinated I am by highly eccentric (and a tad violent) weather? Strong winds, thundering clouds, dazzling sun, harrowing night chills! I can fail to understand how you can sit and enjoy a tranquil sunset on a calm beach, I mean it's great, but compare that to walking up on narrow paths made of mud, putting in all your energy to go against fierce gushes of rain trying to knock you out. How can you feel more alive then when you walk through a blizzard with eyes closed and ears feeling like houses; or walking into a raging sea, jumping up every time a big wave comes? Can anything match that feeling you get when your feet lose ground, and your insignificant existence is totally at the mercy of these giant water boulders smacking into you.
Today I walked into my office in one of the best moods in a long time by a long shot. Reason. Well nothing special happened, it was the usual night (some TV, some yabbing, and a few cigarettes), and the morning was the same as well. Except I got out of my bed a bit late and had to rush through everything to get to work on time. But on my 20 minute walk to my office, I got treated with absolutely wonderfully powerful weather! Thick clouds running overhead, constantly being replaced by newer clouds, the sun never allowed the opportunity to show its face, and the most powerful winds I've seen in a while; winds against which you have to really button up your coat all the way. Winds in which to walk you have to bend yourself to the "ruku" position in prayer.
Feeling life first-hand. Every sense of the body enhanced, all information coming in discrete packets (and that too achieved without even the slightest influence of marijuana!). I think I could have walked on forever today, well not forever, but to my demise definitely, and when I'd have left, it would have been with a happy heart. A joyous exit, what can be better then that now!
And the best thing about the walk this morning wasn’t the weather or the marvels of God. (Extremely thankful for both though). The best thing for me was that I was on the verge of jumping with joy. I could have walked up Mount Everest this morning, and would have sung Sinatra songs all the way up. Let it snow people! No matter what age you are, I guess to feel like this is always that special treat kept for the grandest occasion.
I’ve been sitting at my desk for the last 4 hours (well most of those hours, had my medical today, so…) and still I am forcing myself to keep sitting. I don’t think my professional colleagues would appreciate the sight of a balding guy, slightly on the chubby side, bouncing around the office.
O and Junaid also sent me the “MA does the Twist” video from his wedding dholkee last month. And well all I can say is that nothing compares. Man MA I am sure you give Travolta a run for his money (or definitely his sanity)! I wish I could have the video played on all stations on this little planet of our for a whole day. It’s just too damn funny.
And the sight of all the boys doing the all Punjabi Bhangra, fused with the night club additions of what I think they felt is a turn-on for the ladies. Yes Zeeshan I speak of your 2-Pac meets Shirley McLean moves! A big no! Well missed out on some amazing times. O and please someone, help Naufal find his groove!
In other news, well I’ve lost touch with the proper world for some time now. I mean I do speak to parents nearly everyday. Alina has performed a disappearing act however, but I guess that’s due to her exams (good luck for those). And the rest of the boys are just AWOL!
Done for now!
Today I walked into my office in one of the best moods in a long time by a long shot. Reason. Well nothing special happened, it was the usual night (some TV, some yabbing, and a few cigarettes), and the morning was the same as well. Except I got out of my bed a bit late and had to rush through everything to get to work on time. But on my 20 minute walk to my office, I got treated with absolutely wonderfully powerful weather! Thick clouds running overhead, constantly being replaced by newer clouds, the sun never allowed the opportunity to show its face, and the most powerful winds I've seen in a while; winds against which you have to really button up your coat all the way. Winds in which to walk you have to bend yourself to the "ruku" position in prayer.
Feeling life first-hand. Every sense of the body enhanced, all information coming in discrete packets (and that too achieved without even the slightest influence of marijuana!). I think I could have walked on forever today, well not forever, but to my demise definitely, and when I'd have left, it would have been with a happy heart. A joyous exit, what can be better then that now!
And the best thing about the walk this morning wasn’t the weather or the marvels of God. (Extremely thankful for both though). The best thing for me was that I was on the verge of jumping with joy. I could have walked up Mount Everest this morning, and would have sung Sinatra songs all the way up. Let it snow people! No matter what age you are, I guess to feel like this is always that special treat kept for the grandest occasion.
I’ve been sitting at my desk for the last 4 hours (well most of those hours, had my medical today, so…) and still I am forcing myself to keep sitting. I don’t think my professional colleagues would appreciate the sight of a balding guy, slightly on the chubby side, bouncing around the office.
O and Junaid also sent me the “MA does the Twist” video from his wedding dholkee last month. And well all I can say is that nothing compares. Man MA I am sure you give Travolta a run for his money (or definitely his sanity)! I wish I could have the video played on all stations on this little planet of our for a whole day. It’s just too damn funny.
And the sight of all the boys doing the all Punjabi Bhangra, fused with the night club additions of what I think they felt is a turn-on for the ladies. Yes Zeeshan I speak of your 2-Pac meets Shirley McLean moves! A big no! Well missed out on some amazing times. O and please someone, help Naufal find his groove!
In other news, well I’ve lost touch with the proper world for some time now. I mean I do speak to parents nearly everyday. Alina has performed a disappearing act however, but I guess that’s due to her exams (good luck for those). And the rest of the boys are just AWOL!
Done for now!
Thursday, January 06, 2005
of moments and consequences
Is it really true that a single moment in one's life can define it as a whole? That a single moment can trigger a complete doctoral degree of consequences, that in turn defines your fate? The answers to that I do not know, and well I don't think I'll ever "really" know. Reason being that life, like most things in this world is never an exact science. It is an artful representation that can be interpreted in infinite ways. So I can never be sure that my experiences reflect the experiences as a whole, and are not just some anomaly of the standard, if there is a standard, that is. And we can just go on and on with argument and counter arguments and have a session of the parliament at our hands, so much talk, so much toil, and so little to show of it!
But what I do know is that you can live on for years and not really go through any real change except for the methodical change that time induces. But eventually you are exactly the same person. And what I do know is that you can be strolling around in no specific direction, with no specific thoughts in mind, just a song or two doing rounds in the head, and WHAM! A single moment, a single sight, and you are off your feet, completely off track, shooting off in some completely new projectile trajectory. And that moment, that particular instant can have the direst consequences in your life, good or bad...
Now this moment, this epiphany, if I may call it that, does not have to be something out of the ordinary. It can just be a toddler trying to hold on to his mother's coat to keep up, an old man sitting on a bench, completely still, surrounded by rushed movements that are always out of time, out of breath. It can even be an some self-involved, ostentatious kid feeling all important in some slick designer wear. Things that you see and witness every day, and don't give a second thought to. And these things at another time stop you in your tracks, dead still. Or they can just register themselves in some hidden depth of your mind, and then pop-up out of nowhere someday, and again stop you in your tracks, dead still.
If I want I can recount many such moments in my life, that somehow had an effect on me. Things that helped me (or rather forced me) to reach particular decisions. Decisions that affected my life and the lives of those attached to me. And what follows now is a series of consequences, bundled with a few more moments. Sort of like the circle of life! Again I don't know, and I guess I really don't want to know. See for me it's like the stuff inside a girl's bathroom, stuff that you're always better off never finding out about!
At least that's my bearing on it. But no matter what the moments, no matter what the consequences, what really matters is the journey, what we call life. See I've begun to feel that you really have to live it right here, right now. Of course there's the life after death to look forward to, but we keep saying stuff like get out of your past, it cannot be changed, forget tomorrow, for it's too uncertain, and just live in today. So why not apply this theory to the comparison between life and the life after death. Why not relish and bathe in the joys of this life. And I guess if I have any new years resolutions then this would be it, to appreciate every moment, and cherish every consequence.
To love in sickness and in health, till death do us part.
Hah!
But what I do know is that you can live on for years and not really go through any real change except for the methodical change that time induces. But eventually you are exactly the same person. And what I do know is that you can be strolling around in no specific direction, with no specific thoughts in mind, just a song or two doing rounds in the head, and WHAM! A single moment, a single sight, and you are off your feet, completely off track, shooting off in some completely new projectile trajectory. And that moment, that particular instant can have the direst consequences in your life, good or bad...
Now this moment, this epiphany, if I may call it that, does not have to be something out of the ordinary. It can just be a toddler trying to hold on to his mother's coat to keep up, an old man sitting on a bench, completely still, surrounded by rushed movements that are always out of time, out of breath. It can even be an some self-involved, ostentatious kid feeling all important in some slick designer wear. Things that you see and witness every day, and don't give a second thought to. And these things at another time stop you in your tracks, dead still. Or they can just register themselves in some hidden depth of your mind, and then pop-up out of nowhere someday, and again stop you in your tracks, dead still.
If I want I can recount many such moments in my life, that somehow had an effect on me. Things that helped me (or rather forced me) to reach particular decisions. Decisions that affected my life and the lives of those attached to me. And what follows now is a series of consequences, bundled with a few more moments. Sort of like the circle of life! Again I don't know, and I guess I really don't want to know. See for me it's like the stuff inside a girl's bathroom, stuff that you're always better off never finding out about!
At least that's my bearing on it. But no matter what the moments, no matter what the consequences, what really matters is the journey, what we call life. See I've begun to feel that you really have to live it right here, right now. Of course there's the life after death to look forward to, but we keep saying stuff like get out of your past, it cannot be changed, forget tomorrow, for it's too uncertain, and just live in today. So why not apply this theory to the comparison between life and the life after death. Why not relish and bathe in the joys of this life. And I guess if I have any new years resolutions then this would be it, to appreciate every moment, and cherish every consequence.
To love in sickness and in health, till death do us part.
Hah!
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
Only then can you belong to me
These lines resonated in my head as I walked out of the cinema yesterday. Yes I had finally seen the Phantom of the Opera (the Lloyd Webber & Schumacher version). And after quite a while I left the multiplex with the movie still doing rounds in my head. The last time that happened was Eastwood's Mystic River.
Now I know that there have been a zillion versions of this classic, but I never got around to seeing even one of them. Yes I remember listening to Webber's score for the first time in, when was it, I guess somewhere around 98. And it had quite an effect on me. And I only heard one piece of music from the broadway show (the one used in the movie for the song "the phantom of the opera is here...", don't knwo what its called). And it was always powerful in a haunting way. Have been humming it every now and then ever since.
But what caught me about the movie (apart from the brilliant sets, costumes, lighting, effects, mesmerizing back drops, and seemless filmmaking) was the human emotion involved. The biggest drawback of musicals is that they seem a bit out of reach (note I do not say far fetched, I don't consider them far fetched), and it's always difficult to relate to them. I mean how many of us can see ourselves sitting in our studies and singing to our friends "why can't a woman be more like a man". And "My fair lady" was the first musical I saw, see my dad's always been a fan of both the Hepburns, and yes it was love at first site for me as wel. I've never seen the current heroines (beautiful and talented as they are) illuminate the screen like Audrey Hepburn did, and let's not even begin to compare them to the Katherine Hepburn (holy grounds for me)!
OK, getting back to the point now. Yes, what I was saying was yesterday I actually felt part of the whole charade. I actually felt that I was standing there among the hundreds of extras. I could feel the irony of the masked ball sequence inside of me, and at the climax, I could feel the cool of the Paris undergrounds. And yes, at the end, I was a bit shook up, specially the monkey and ring sequence between Christine, the phantom, and ofcourse a monkey! And it wasn't at all funny.
It is amazing when at the end of it, a movie can make you feel sorry for a murdering, possessing, raving madman, who if born with a normal face could have been the high-light of his era, the greatest catch, the biggest shot. Even though the character of the patron, Raoul, is depcited as more of a dim wit (and somehow I feel that wasn't intentional), and perhaps the only actor that you fail to notice on screen. But yes, Emmy Rossum as Christine was just divine. Oh and the pleasent surprise was that she was a link from Mystic River (in which she leaves an impact in the 3 minutes she gets on screen), the last movie that came outside the theater with me, in my head.
I guess my excitment for the movie also has to do with the fact that I haven't seen the earlier versions, and there'd be many saying that it was terrible, and the best was the "so and so" version. But it was definately a worthy experience for me at a time of not so many worthy experiences, as a matter of fact worth another show as well. The movie can be seen just for its climax, the masked ball, and the snowy rooftop sequence with Paris in the back drop.
Gone now...
Now I know that there have been a zillion versions of this classic, but I never got around to seeing even one of them. Yes I remember listening to Webber's score for the first time in, when was it, I guess somewhere around 98. And it had quite an effect on me. And I only heard one piece of music from the broadway show (the one used in the movie for the song "the phantom of the opera is here...", don't knwo what its called). And it was always powerful in a haunting way. Have been humming it every now and then ever since.
But what caught me about the movie (apart from the brilliant sets, costumes, lighting, effects, mesmerizing back drops, and seemless filmmaking) was the human emotion involved. The biggest drawback of musicals is that they seem a bit out of reach (note I do not say far fetched, I don't consider them far fetched), and it's always difficult to relate to them. I mean how many of us can see ourselves sitting in our studies and singing to our friends "why can't a woman be more like a man". And "My fair lady" was the first musical I saw, see my dad's always been a fan of both the Hepburns, and yes it was love at first site for me as wel. I've never seen the current heroines (beautiful and talented as they are) illuminate the screen like Audrey Hepburn did, and let's not even begin to compare them to the Katherine Hepburn (holy grounds for me)!
OK, getting back to the point now. Yes, what I was saying was yesterday I actually felt part of the whole charade. I actually felt that I was standing there among the hundreds of extras. I could feel the irony of the masked ball sequence inside of me, and at the climax, I could feel the cool of the Paris undergrounds. And yes, at the end, I was a bit shook up, specially the monkey and ring sequence between Christine, the phantom, and ofcourse a monkey! And it wasn't at all funny.
It is amazing when at the end of it, a movie can make you feel sorry for a murdering, possessing, raving madman, who if born with a normal face could have been the high-light of his era, the greatest catch, the biggest shot. Even though the character of the patron, Raoul, is depcited as more of a dim wit (and somehow I feel that wasn't intentional), and perhaps the only actor that you fail to notice on screen. But yes, Emmy Rossum as Christine was just divine. Oh and the pleasent surprise was that she was a link from Mystic River (in which she leaves an impact in the 3 minutes she gets on screen), the last movie that came outside the theater with me, in my head.
I guess my excitment for the movie also has to do with the fact that I haven't seen the earlier versions, and there'd be many saying that it was terrible, and the best was the "so and so" version. But it was definately a worthy experience for me at a time of not so many worthy experiences, as a matter of fact worth another show as well. The movie can be seen just for its climax, the masked ball, and the snowy rooftop sequence with Paris in the back drop.
Gone now...
Sunday, January 02, 2005
That loving feeling...
Remember the Righteous Brothers saying "you've lost that loving feeling...no it's gone...gone...gone...woooooooohhh...". Well sometimes I really feel that I've lost that loving feeling, that brings bundled with it loads of passion. Another day to describe it is saying something like "...well with the passage of time...".
Yesterday I was sitting with my new found acquaintences, and we were all discussing what can now safely be termed as our youths. Everyone (even the most withdrawn and aloof) had amazing stories to tell. Stories that somehow you don't believe, nodding your head with a smile and saying inside "yuh right!".
I mean who would believe that you would walk on a 12 inch pipe about 30 feet above an raging flow of water, tip-toe your way to the very center, sit down, and well, just smoke. Reason for that, "I liked the view of the stream from there, plus it made for a pretty good picture". I guess one wouldn't, but I always would because I was one among four who attempted this.
But believing in these stories isn't the point. I was doing the nodding and laughing inside bit myself yesterday at another's story, when this incident came to mind. This with so many like it, from round about the same time. The point is that in our youths we are these complete nut cases, not afraid to do anything, filled with a passion for life. What the Brothers would call "that lovin feeling"!
Even love then was this amazing and perfect thing, and all high school romances would last a life time. No horrid memories of the past seeping in to totally ruin the good moments of today. Life was ahead of you, and you would live forever. There would never be an existence of the Achilles' heel.
Fast forward to present day. Well you would never walk to the center of the pipe, and if you see some kids attempting that, you'd just smirk and think what's the future of this world which would be run by these doped up, delusional $%&^%&...
That loving feeling has been replaced by extreme caution and sensibility. With a consciousness about the future, and a sense of responsibility nullifying our every natural instinct.
You've lost that lovin' feeling...
Whoa, that lovin' feeling...
You've lost that lovin' feeling...
Now it's gone...gone...gone...wooooooh...
Next time then!
P.S. Tsunami death toll nears 200,000 now...
Yesterday I was sitting with my new found acquaintences, and we were all discussing what can now safely be termed as our youths. Everyone (even the most withdrawn and aloof) had amazing stories to tell. Stories that somehow you don't believe, nodding your head with a smile and saying inside "yuh right!".
I mean who would believe that you would walk on a 12 inch pipe about 30 feet above an raging flow of water, tip-toe your way to the very center, sit down, and well, just smoke. Reason for that, "I liked the view of the stream from there, plus it made for a pretty good picture". I guess one wouldn't, but I always would because I was one among four who attempted this.
But believing in these stories isn't the point. I was doing the nodding and laughing inside bit myself yesterday at another's story, when this incident came to mind. This with so many like it, from round about the same time. The point is that in our youths we are these complete nut cases, not afraid to do anything, filled with a passion for life. What the Brothers would call "that lovin feeling"!
Even love then was this amazing and perfect thing, and all high school romances would last a life time. No horrid memories of the past seeping in to totally ruin the good moments of today. Life was ahead of you, and you would live forever. There would never be an existence of the Achilles' heel.
Fast forward to present day. Well you would never walk to the center of the pipe, and if you see some kids attempting that, you'd just smirk and think what's the future of this world which would be run by these doped up, delusional $%&^%&...
That loving feeling has been replaced by extreme caution and sensibility. With a consciousness about the future, and a sense of responsibility nullifying our every natural instinct.
You've lost that lovin' feeling...
Whoa, that lovin' feeling...
You've lost that lovin' feeling...
Now it's gone...gone...gone...wooooooh...
Next time then!
P.S. Tsunami death toll nears 200,000 now...
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