Communicating...In response

Difficult questions all! Aren't they?

Could you have done anything else? Yes, you could have, we could all have done something else, but then it would have been something else. You know, if not this, then it would have been that, and so on and on, into the vertigo inducing spirals of what ifs.

But this question, "Could I have done something else?", plagues me constantly. There are many decisions I made that I want to take back, but then, with the information at hand, and the (quadruple) standards drilled into us, I guess the decisions I made don't surprise me, just make me a little sad. Perhaps I, too, think of going for it and putting an end to it. But it's always a fleeting notion, always blocked by too many rational questions, like who will find me? Probably my wife. How will she handle it? Will she spit on my dead body? Will she try to emulate me? Will she curse me for being so selfish? What should I be wearing when I go for it? Should I go all natural and go out with nothing but my skin and bodily excrement on me? Should I dress up in my best suit, shave, and then shave into my veins? Should I be wearing my watch and silver ring (which I feel is now just an extension of my hand)? Should I leave a note? And should that note try to solve all the worldly problems? Or should it just say "Thanks for reading and fuck you very much!".

But more to your point. The decisions we make because we're too young, too shackled by our society, too ignorant, and basically too prone to the emotional black-mail which comes to our proud (albeit seriously misguided) nation too naturally! Well I wish you rebelled at that point. I wish you chose the way of the martyr. I cannot but imagine the possibilities emanating from that very choice. We hear a lot of things, like true love never wants anything in return. Well that is total hogwash! True love is the most selfish, self-indulgent emotion we experience. The sacrifice emanates the from fear of failure and the fear of cantering around only our own existence.

Do I think you'd be happier had you made different choices? I seriously doubt that. We are who we are, and if we are (which you are) people who try to think, evaluate, and fathom emotions and feelings...we're always going to be disturbed SOBs. We'll always have regrets, and passions for possibilities, which once realized, would lose their glitter, for we'd be evaluating some other possibilities.

At some stage, I decided to quit smoking pot, and a friend decided to keep on smoking pot. Our lives have turned out quite differently thus far...but does that really matter? We're both still consistently plagued by misery, but in completely different ways.

This Chinese Billionaire recently killed himself because he lost about 5 billion dollars. He still had 8 billion left. So was it rational for him to end it for losing 5 when he still had 8? Well in human terms, yes! And a big yes at that. We don't evaluate our lives in terms of what we have, but on what we've lost and missed out on.

But of all the insanity of the preceding paragraphs, I am convinced about one thing. You are a great human being! Not because you always do the right thing. Not because you always possess the courage to make the tough decisions. And not because you're the Christ of our times, bearing crosses that are not yours to bear. You, my dear friend, are a great human being because you consistently indulge in the most basic of traits that make us human. You question. And you keep on questioning, even if the questions you're asking are impossible, insane, and out right demented!

Love you for that!