So today should be interesting. Meet one friend before he leaves for Italy. Meet another friend who's visiting and before he heads back to East Taimoor. Meet the relatives who are coming over to visit. Sit with another friend and finalize the vision and mission statement for the company he is about to launch. And do all this while all you really want to do is lie down and think about the passing of what has been one of the most hectic and killer weeks in the recent history of weeks. And of course half the day is already gone, and the second half is flying by at blinding speed.
Right now I would just want to find my comfort zone, which I feel I've misplaced, get into it and hide from the rest of the world, and come out only when using the john is absolutely essential. The problem is that somehow I've misplaced my comfort zone and there's a constant feeling that I'm standing on the pitch holding a broken bat with no helmet or pads, and facing successive deliveries from Shoib Akhter, Brett Lee, and Shane Bond. Just place yourself there and you'd find me standing besides you.
So even though the idea of a comfort zone seems exciting, just imagining how it looks like seems far fethced at the moment, let alone reach it and reside in it. Wasn't there this theory of guardian angels, well if there are any such angels, then I really need my angel this very moment! Otherwise the consequences would be quite nasty and un redeemable.
By the way, why is redemtion such an important issue. And what's all the focus on issues all the time, what not focus on the non-issues for a change. Why even want to focus at all. And then why are these wants plaguing us? And then why are we scared of things that are capable of plaguing us? Don't even get me started on the fears that scare us. And then why do we always need to get started. But then why is there a constant bearing of needs in our lives? And what's with these lives we live so enthusiastically...
Get a drift of my mental state?
Well good luck!
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Getting back at it
There's nothing like watching the movies you love to get yourself back into the gear you believe is the right gear. So yesterday evening I spent with the movies I love.
The cinemactic evening was inaugerated with Almodovar's "Talk to her" that took me to that deep dark place, that I'm sure Almodovar knows quite well. After that it was "Cinema Paradiso", that little Italian treat. Followed that up with helping Alina out in the kitchen with a Pakistanized version of some Italian dish (not trying to hog any credit, basically I just blended boiled potatoes in milk with lots of black pepper and salt). And if you think that was enough, after stuffing myself to the point of resembling a boiled potato, I ended the night with a very late night showing of "Amelie"! Alina saw the film for the first time, so I kept nagging her about how lovely Audrey Totou and every frame of the movie is, I'm sure there was a moment where she would have preferred to smack me with a pillow case stuffed with horse shoes...
So today, sitting at my office enjoying my morning cup of tea, I can sit and just write at lesiure, ahh that lovely feeling.
Yesterday was an interesting day. Work was busier then usual, that means I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown (reminds me of another Almodovar film), the sky was filled with clouds and not a single drop of rain fell, and the evevning saw the spell of rain come to an inevitble end. And I came across a random blog that I really liked.
I've always felt that a blog should be the reflection of the everyday ordinary life, whish is just so special. But it should be more in the head then out there in the physical world. I don't really know if I'm making much sense, but at least I know what I'm talking about, so bear with it. It was a blog by an aspiring writer caught up in the hassles of London, and keeping up with the crazed traffic. Somehow I got to reading the posts and kept getting hooked on them.
Would it make sense if I say that I can actually be that same person in a different situation / life? Well the posts gave me that sort of a feeling. Specially there was one post written in the wake of the heart wrenching London bomb blasts. Without permission of the author, I'm going to reproduce a small portion that really made sense to me.
You see, people who live in London are like cockroaches, tough, mean, survivalists.
...
Using this word 'freedom' over and over again as if it meant something. I decided this word freedom that we are supposed to be defending is actually a mistake, it should be 'wealth' or 'money' because that is what the rest of the world is pissed off about really. It is power games isn't it? The fight for power, because no one is really free when there are governments that do not represent the will of the people. DOesn't the world want less carbon gases in the environment? Does Bush change his policies? Is he reallly concerned about his 'economy' or his own ties to oil companies and profit?
...
Everyone was chatting, undeniably calm, smiling, happy to be alive.
...
'Freedom' wasn't something we felt because we were western, but because we were happy to be alive, anywhere, even if were in the Middle East. None of us felt the democracy, because how can we be democratic when our media manipulates the way we think? I kept thinking that terrorism wouldn't survive without the media, and vice versa, a sort of paristical relationship.
...
I don't blame the terrrorists for their anger. The middle east has a lot to be pissed off about. Hell, a lot of the world does because of the West. Look at Africa, South America. But I do feel that everyone is one, and that we cant see each other as enemies, as others trying to take away our 'freedom' because as we all know 'freedom' is only a buzzword, an illusionary thing that the 'other' is trying to steal because we want to see them as the enemy. There is no enemy, only ourselves to blame. As Janis Joplin sang 'freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose'.
I'd say I feel exactly the same about the situation, except I'd go on to say that I don't blame the terrorists for their anger, but I do hold them responsible for the ways they employ to vent it. Getting even with a baby in a pram is just never going to be justified in any way or for to me. But the "one"ness of everyone, yes! Why is it so difficult for us to accept that, and rejoice in the thought. I guess the reason would always lie somewhere in-between the differences in faith and belief. Freedom has actually become just a buzzword. It's like a million flies buzzing it without really knowing why they're doing what they're doing or what they expect to convey.
Why is it that the more progress we make in-terms of getting to know things, we move farther and farther away from the simplest of truth? Why do we keep losing our hold on rationality? Why do we keep getting automated into strips of program to be run?
But I'd always be hopeful, cause I feel there is hope, that's why we still exist, cause the day we stop existing would be the day hope would end.
Next time...
The cinemactic evening was inaugerated with Almodovar's "Talk to her" that took me to that deep dark place, that I'm sure Almodovar knows quite well. After that it was "Cinema Paradiso", that little Italian treat. Followed that up with helping Alina out in the kitchen with a Pakistanized version of some Italian dish (not trying to hog any credit, basically I just blended boiled potatoes in milk with lots of black pepper and salt). And if you think that was enough, after stuffing myself to the point of resembling a boiled potato, I ended the night with a very late night showing of "Amelie"! Alina saw the film for the first time, so I kept nagging her about how lovely Audrey Totou and every frame of the movie is, I'm sure there was a moment where she would have preferred to smack me with a pillow case stuffed with horse shoes...
So today, sitting at my office enjoying my morning cup of tea, I can sit and just write at lesiure, ahh that lovely feeling.
Yesterday was an interesting day. Work was busier then usual, that means I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown (reminds me of another Almodovar film), the sky was filled with clouds and not a single drop of rain fell, and the evevning saw the spell of rain come to an inevitble end. And I came across a random blog that I really liked.
I've always felt that a blog should be the reflection of the everyday ordinary life, whish is just so special. But it should be more in the head then out there in the physical world. I don't really know if I'm making much sense, but at least I know what I'm talking about, so bear with it. It was a blog by an aspiring writer caught up in the hassles of London, and keeping up with the crazed traffic. Somehow I got to reading the posts and kept getting hooked on them.
Would it make sense if I say that I can actually be that same person in a different situation / life? Well the posts gave me that sort of a feeling. Specially there was one post written in the wake of the heart wrenching London bomb blasts. Without permission of the author, I'm going to reproduce a small portion that really made sense to me.
You see, people who live in London are like cockroaches, tough, mean, survivalists.
...
Using this word 'freedom' over and over again as if it meant something. I decided this word freedom that we are supposed to be defending is actually a mistake, it should be 'wealth' or 'money' because that is what the rest of the world is pissed off about really. It is power games isn't it? The fight for power, because no one is really free when there are governments that do not represent the will of the people. DOesn't the world want less carbon gases in the environment? Does Bush change his policies? Is he reallly concerned about his 'economy' or his own ties to oil companies and profit?
...
Everyone was chatting, undeniably calm, smiling, happy to be alive.
...
'Freedom' wasn't something we felt because we were western, but because we were happy to be alive, anywhere, even if were in the Middle East. None of us felt the democracy, because how can we be democratic when our media manipulates the way we think? I kept thinking that terrorism wouldn't survive without the media, and vice versa, a sort of paristical relationship.
...
I don't blame the terrrorists for their anger. The middle east has a lot to be pissed off about. Hell, a lot of the world does because of the West. Look at Africa, South America. But I do feel that everyone is one, and that we cant see each other as enemies, as others trying to take away our 'freedom' because as we all know 'freedom' is only a buzzword, an illusionary thing that the 'other' is trying to steal because we want to see them as the enemy. There is no enemy, only ourselves to blame. As Janis Joplin sang 'freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose'.
I'd say I feel exactly the same about the situation, except I'd go on to say that I don't blame the terrorists for their anger, but I do hold them responsible for the ways they employ to vent it. Getting even with a baby in a pram is just never going to be justified in any way or for to me. But the "one"ness of everyone, yes! Why is it so difficult for us to accept that, and rejoice in the thought. I guess the reason would always lie somewhere in-between the differences in faith and belief. Freedom has actually become just a buzzword. It's like a million flies buzzing it without really knowing why they're doing what they're doing or what they expect to convey.
Why is it that the more progress we make in-terms of getting to know things, we move farther and farther away from the simplest of truth? Why do we keep losing our hold on rationality? Why do we keep getting automated into strips of program to be run?
But I'd always be hopeful, cause I feel there is hope, that's why we still exist, cause the day we stop existing would be the day hope would end.
Next time...
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Bad news
For the last month and a half, I've been extra-ordinarily lazy. Ever get the feeling of being always tired, no matter how much or how little rest you get. And frankly I'm quite sick of it. Alright I love to just lie down and relax with a good book or a movie, but I want to feel fresh doing that. Couple that with a series of not so good news.
I mean how're you supposed to digest the fact that your best friend at 29 is diagnosed with sugar, and would be spending the rest of his life a diabetic! That's just not fair. There was a time when a piece of news you got was of a new bike, an admission into a dream university, reciprocation of that youthful true love, oh I can just go on with this list. And somehow "news" now has turned into the discovery of being diabetic. It's not the bad news I'm bitching about, but the fact that there's nothing much that you can do to help out, and you end up going into hiding because you wouldn't know how to react appropriately. I mean getting into an accident is bad news, but tolerable as long as you know that you can help out in the "nursing back to health" process.
But I'm sure like all great lessons, it would be learned how to behave and all that comes with it. O how I wish I could do something meaningful to help. Like finding out why the damn body stops producing something like insulin, and then maybe finding out how to get it back to producing it again!
See news like this affects you in so many selfish and altruistic ways. I can't even begin to explain all that. But the real fuck up is that nothing would be the same again. No matter what they say about life taking its own form and moulding you with it, it would never be the same again. There's always going to be something at the back of all minds concerned, whenever an ice cream is ordered, or the body bruised. O how I want to take this away, and make it all disappear into thin air, even the bare memory of it.
But hey I haven't got it all that bad, compare me to the guy who got the sugary news, he has to live with that brave persona, and laugh it off every single time! Or his wife, who has to make sure that everything is balanced from this day forth. Worst yet the parents, who probably feel that it's their turn to catch an ailment here and there, but not their kid, who's supposed to be at the peak of physical and mental fitness. Oooooo the irony of it all. I mean it's always when you find out about something like this, you realize that you've left all your cigarettes in the car! Laugh it off up there!
And then there are always the always gleeful pieces of shit (myself included) who want everyone to look at the bright side, and who always find one. I mean fuck off, you can't just term a side bright because it isn't as dark as another side. So take your happy faces and shove 'em! That's as much directed to me as to that cheerful ass on the road, asking humanity to smile!
But then I guess it would be like this hence forth, the new "normal" so as to say. The latest version of "right" in this version driven age of information!
"Smile, you're no more on Candid Camera, and oh yes, you're diabetic. Now don't worry, just never eat anything you want to eat and you'd be fine. O and also don't fall down or bruise yourself, and come on! You'd be just fine..."
O this is so fucking messed up! How about the old lady on the moon singing me a song now.
Gar kay dushwaar hay har kaam ka aasaan hona
Aadmi ko bhee moassar naheen insaaan hona
I mean how're you supposed to digest the fact that your best friend at 29 is diagnosed with sugar, and would be spending the rest of his life a diabetic! That's just not fair. There was a time when a piece of news you got was of a new bike, an admission into a dream university, reciprocation of that youthful true love, oh I can just go on with this list. And somehow "news" now has turned into the discovery of being diabetic. It's not the bad news I'm bitching about, but the fact that there's nothing much that you can do to help out, and you end up going into hiding because you wouldn't know how to react appropriately. I mean getting into an accident is bad news, but tolerable as long as you know that you can help out in the "nursing back to health" process.
But I'm sure like all great lessons, it would be learned how to behave and all that comes with it. O how I wish I could do something meaningful to help. Like finding out why the damn body stops producing something like insulin, and then maybe finding out how to get it back to producing it again!
See news like this affects you in so many selfish and altruistic ways. I can't even begin to explain all that. But the real fuck up is that nothing would be the same again. No matter what they say about life taking its own form and moulding you with it, it would never be the same again. There's always going to be something at the back of all minds concerned, whenever an ice cream is ordered, or the body bruised. O how I want to take this away, and make it all disappear into thin air, even the bare memory of it.
But hey I haven't got it all that bad, compare me to the guy who got the sugary news, he has to live with that brave persona, and laugh it off every single time! Or his wife, who has to make sure that everything is balanced from this day forth. Worst yet the parents, who probably feel that it's their turn to catch an ailment here and there, but not their kid, who's supposed to be at the peak of physical and mental fitness. Oooooo the irony of it all. I mean it's always when you find out about something like this, you realize that you've left all your cigarettes in the car! Laugh it off up there!
And then there are always the always gleeful pieces of shit (myself included) who want everyone to look at the bright side, and who always find one. I mean fuck off, you can't just term a side bright because it isn't as dark as another side. So take your happy faces and shove 'em! That's as much directed to me as to that cheerful ass on the road, asking humanity to smile!
But then I guess it would be like this hence forth, the new "normal" so as to say. The latest version of "right" in this version driven age of information!
"Smile, you're no more on Candid Camera, and oh yes, you're diabetic. Now don't worry, just never eat anything you want to eat and you'd be fine. O and also don't fall down or bruise yourself, and come on! You'd be just fine..."
O this is so fucking messed up! How about the old lady on the moon singing me a song now.
Gar kay dushwaar hay har kaam ka aasaan hona
Aadmi ko bhee moassar naheen insaaan hona
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