A dawning new year and nature's wrath

Another years tumbles and rumbles while running to an end. A year gone by in a flash. It still feels like the 1st of January, and waking up in a strange apartment! Having a warm mug of coffee at the small little cafe and sharing with my best bud (yes Zeehsan that's you) the exciting possibilities this new year brings! And now it's December, and the very end of it! Wow!

The year's been fairly good, I mean no serious bruises or crashes, just a somehwat merry ride through the whirl-wind 365 days. Some days excellent, some terrible, but most just out right indifferent. Many memories from small moments this year will hopefully stick with me forever, and many, hopefully I would forget, in time. Sighting a deer in the backyard at the earliest hours of a chilly morning, and staring blanky at the roof of a room, lost in a perilious quest for that ellusive bit of the peace of mind. Finding strength in someone's eyes, and finding out first-hand what Julies Ceaser meant when he said what he said before it all ended for him, you too.... Somehow every year turns into an amalgum of such memories, memories that you cherish, and memories that wake you up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat.

I just wish the year hadn't come to a conclusion being witness to perhaps one of the most catastrophic displays of nature's wrath. More then 23,000 dead in South Asia (mostly Srilanka, India, and Indonesia) due to a series of tsunamis that came without any warning (due to the strongest earthquake ever guaged), but perhaps a deep gut feeling of something terrible about to happen. But I guess most of the people who felt this gut feeling would feel no more, ever! After a long time I saw the news for nearly half a day at a stretch, and finally got up when I couldn't see another dead child being carried away, another woman beating her chest screaming at the skies as if waiting for an answer, another man breathing, but lost in death's tow.

It felt to me like a reminder from nature as to what really matters at the end. It's not the dream job that we work ourselves to exhaustion for. It's not the clothes we buy, or the cars we fantasize about. It's not about tall sky scrapers that we build. But at the end I feel it's about still being able to feel hurt and crushed just because someone else somewhere got hurt, got crushed. But still as humanity we keep the killing rampage alive. Thousands dead, people who don't even know each other going at it with everything to bring the other to an untimely end. Incredible really how in so many ways we are still stuck in that stone age, where murder happened for the best part of the animal's dead body. Nothing's changed but the clothes, and some cologne.

Here's wishing a peaceful new year to all of us, where the crazed fucking leaders of this high-tech world get some sense, and appreciate life for what it is. Just life!

Gone now...

Rain in the Desert

There have been many theories about when the desert looks its prettiest. Sunrise, sunset, during a sand storm, etc etc. Now all of these moments have their own beauty to them, as a matter of fact every aspect of nature has a beauty to it that is unique to it. But for me the desert is at its most mesmerizing when it rains. Rain to a desert is like a drink to a man stranded in sea, or like sunshine for a person lost in the depths of tha rian forests (or just stuck in England).

It has been raining for the past two days now in my part of the desert (which has more or less transformed into a metropolitan city). It's gotten a bit chilly, and thick gray clouds have covered the skies, and refuse to move on. Rain's come down in its various forms, heavy, thick, drizzle, mist, and every form has been breathtaking!

So Christmas came and went and like all non-christians I was dissapointed when I found out that there's no holiday for non-christians. But the day came and went without much noticable change (I mean last year I was in NY city and there the air breathed christmas), except for a few Santa caps here and there.

But I am looking forward to new years and the Eid-ul-Adha, the first to have fun, and the second to think of my family and miss them!

In other news of my world, my parents, Alina, and all the other family have headed out to Lahore to attend my (distant) counsin's wedding, and since they all went in one bus (specially hired) I am sure I missed out on some brilliant family fun. I hope they're enjoying the wedding as much as I am enjoying the rains.

Have been speaking to Aijaz quite often, and he's doing good, and I hear that the wedding anniversary went quite well. Babar finally moved to Saudia for the new job, but still hasn't been hit by the first pang of the king-size depression!

Oh and Pakistan is doing farely well in the secong test against Australia, but I am still quite doubtful how they'll hold up against them for the next 3 full days. Hopefully better then they did at Perth. I think I could've done better there, but it just wasn't the "boys" day, plus Inzamam's bad back. Do the math!

Next time then...

Finally moved...

Well I am definately not talking about being moved emotionally or anything, but finally I made the move to the newer (and economically more viable) apartment. The moving process was pretty much the same, and my body isn't extra-ordinarilly stiff from hauling all the luggage yesterday. Isn't it amazing how you just keep on accumulating stuff, and you only appreciate the amount of junk you've collected when you have to move it! I guess one of the real ironies of life (compared to kids starving and being bombed all over the world. Yeah right! Sure...)

So last night was that perfect first night in a new place, where you lie down early to start the new day from the new place all fresh and rosy, and can't shut your eyes the whole freakin night. And since I am sharing a room with someone for the first time (well the childhood memories in poverty of living in one big room with complete family doesn't count). Well ok, I'm sharing my room for the first time in my grown up life, and I've always been a bit peculiar about the state (or rather statelessness) of my room. So I guess that was another reason for not sleeping at all last night, and right now, at the end of the working day, feeling like a complete Zombie.

But you know the most amazing quality of the human-being (note to my college English teacher (Mrs. Butt), I used the whole word, and didn't go all American on it), it's our ability to adopt! I mean really pick up a guy (or gal) from the deepest jungle of Africa, and put them on the north-pole. The person would learn to first stay alive, then move from day to day, and eventually feeling alive on the pole (north I mean)! So like all mortals, I would also (iA) learn to do that.

Till next time...

Yesterday, as I packed...

If you are made to move quite often, from place to place, one apartment to another, you just get used to it. It just becomes another drill (like those PE class exercises that you know by heart), and you just follow the motions. These clothes in this bag, these items in plastic bags, a bag for shoes, a bag for books, and so on and so forth.

But yesterday as I was going through the same motion (again moving to a different apartment), I opened Pandora's box, or in my case a small plastic bag, with lots of old letters, cards, and some photos. And I thought that since I was so ahead of time, and packing in such a systematic and organized manner, why not take some time out and go through this little bag I carry around the world with me. And I got up again after about two hours, incapable of doing much, in a haze...

There were letters that friends sent me some 6-7 years ago, right after we had all made the big leap from finishing 12th standard to entering universities, all around the globe. Letters stating the thoughts of that age, letters looking for purpose of life, trying to find meanings in what we felt were just meaningless existences! I even found some letters that I had written at that time, but never got to posting them (even the reasons for not posting them were clear in my mind)! Oh and these weren't emails, these were proper letters that you buy stamps for and put in a letter box. I was, well both touched and embarassed, touched by the honesty and rawness of emotion, and embarassed by the consistent use of profanities, words that I guess I wouldn't even think of thinking now! There were some pictures of first loves, some cards sent on various occasions held solemn by us, birthdays, new years, new home, etc etc...

I have been lucky to have not really lost touch with (most) friends that I held dear to me, and they are still there in my life, not with the same intensity, but definately still there in a very meaningful way, or with grown intensity. I could actually see them growing with each card, with each letter, and wondering how wonderfully powerful this life is, and how we become completely different people without even knowing it. I think if I were to run into myself 10 years ago, well I wouldn't really like the person, and at the same time I would be ashamed by that person's honesty and simplicity of thought and action. Amazing how we start with no barrier between thought and action, and eventually build up the great wall in between, the great wall of analyzing pros and cons of a particular action, the great wall of wimpering out of action, scared of the consequences.

As I sifted through these letters I also thought of all the letters that I cannot find, all the cards I misplaced, all the loved ones I lost... Even with all the friends that life retained for me, there were numerous best friends, friends for life, the big pact friends who just got misplaced, like some artifacts you keep on your shelf that just disappear one day.

I closed the bag, packed everything in carefully, carried on with my packing and completed it, smoked about 2-3 cigarettes at a stretch, and went to sleep. And as usual got up at 7.30 in the morning, went through the daily ordeals, and am sitting here, all dressed up for work. But still I am thinking of all those wonderful friends I lost touch with, wondering what they are doing at this very moment, wondering if they still dream the same dreams, or have their dreams changed. Wondering if they, at this very moment, are happy and content with life, or are they sad and lost. Well I wish you all that I lost somehow, are actually happy and satisfied, still as gregarious as you were then, and that when you lie down your slumber is peaceful, and you dream nice dreams. I really don't know if I wish to meet you again, cause I guess it would be too damn painful and sarcastic, being a stranger to a person you knew the ins and outs of! Hah! I guess that is the essence of life.

Now to the people who I haven't really lost touch with. Babar flies for Saudia tomorrow, headed for a new job, a new career, a new and modified existence! I can understand what you must be going through tonight Babar, the excitement, the sadness, the fears, etc etc... You might not admit, but I am sure it's all there. And somehow I also know that it's all going to turn out just fine!

My good friend Aijaz celebrates his first wedding anniversay today! Wow! I guess a day to cherish, a day to make some new resolves and stick by them. A day to decide that this life is wonderful, and we'll just make it better.

Junaid, someone who I somehow always keep on hearing about, and speak to every once in a while, he has his Nikah today, and what a wonderful feeling that is. Nothing can even ever compare to it.

Alina would be finally fully recovering from her cold and flu, and trying to look good for the presentations, assignment deliveries and all the deadlines!

The whole family would be panicking, completing the last moment preperations for the big family wedding (a distant cousin of mine). Packing and un-packing stuff, remembering and forgetting things...

And the rest of them, well I am sure you'd be running hard and bright against life, not letting it overtake you and defeat you...

So a trip down memory lane, and then back to work...WTF!

Have fun!

A new day, some old thoughts...

Now is this impressive, or is this impressive, back to blog on a second consecutive day. How's the day been, well the usual really, some meetings, lots of discussions, some grinding work, and an overdose of black coffee!

You know it's been nearly four years that I've entered what we call a professional life. Workplace, deadlines, colleagues, and a paycheck to sum it all up. Companies have changed, job descriptions revised...but the essence still the same. Wake up at a particular time, clean up, change, head for work, get off at a particular time, head home, change, hang out with friends (mostly just hang out with yourself), watch a movie, read a book, visit someone, go to sleep at a particular time, and then...well wake up the next morning at a particular time. And after a time you even stop feeling that you've lost all feelings, and have just numbed yourself to everything. (Right now the lyrics to "Comfortable Numb" by Floyd are just circling my head...is there anybody out there...).

You grow up, working hard (or atleast pretending that you are working hard), get a class education, rebel and hate your parents guts every now and then, graduate from an institute that manufactures robotic humans who would fit into a particular mode of work, and then wham! You are into the cycle of the working man's plights. And then you can even at times, sit on the sidelines and catch your life pass you by in a blur. Ofcourse going through all the routines that are expected of you, family man, marriage, parent, and always remaining a child, and looking for a mother / father figure who could just teach you to walk again. Or just teach you to tie the shoe laces, how to cross the road. Sometimes this urge to be a toddler just supersedes everything, and you try to go back to the land of Cerelac and cereal. But no matter how powerful your imagination is, you are always jolted back to your current (lack of) existence, and then...well you start circling again.

I remember this monologue from "Before Sunrise" (watch it if you haven't) where Hawke's character just starts on how sick he is of himself. I mean like there's this one person (that's me myself) who's always been with me, on the day I started reading the Quran, the day the finished reading the Quran, the first time I had a crush on someone, the day any thing of any significance ever happened, I was there with me. I am sick of myself, and for once I'd want to go somewhere without myself! Quite a dream huhn! But that was Before Sunrise, and so many sunsets after that, I really don't know. I mean is there a hidden clan of pagans who know what they want, who have everything figured out, and they get together secretly to laugh at jackasses like us, who haven't a clue, but still conform to all conformities! Ofcouse there are those who reject these rules setup by society, we often call these people rejects, or losers, but hey, it's not like they are in very good shape. I mean they aren't really very great people. But who knows...

There's this Auden poem called "The unknown citizen", read it, and you'll know what I'm talking about. As a matter of fact I'll paste it here!

The Unknown Citizen
W. H. Auden

(To JS/07/M/378 This Marble Monument Is Erected by the State)

He was found by the Bureau of Statistics to be
One against whom there was no official complaint,
And all the reports on his conduct agree
That, in the modern sense of an old-fashioned word, he was a saint,
For in everything he did he served the Greater Community.
Except for the War till the day he retired
He worked in a factory and never got fired,
But satisfied his employers, Fudge Motors Inc.
Yet he wasn't a scab or odd in his views,
For his Union reports that he paid his dues,
(Our report on his Union shows it was sound)
And our Social Psychology workers found
That he was popular with his mates and liked a drink.
The Press are convinced that he bought a paper every day
And that his reactions to advertisements were normal in every way.
Policies taken out in his name prove that he was fully insured,
And his Health-card shows he was once in hospital but left it cured.
Both Producers Research and High-Grade Living declare
He was fully sensible to the advantages of the Installment Plan
And had everything necessary to the Modern Man,
A phonograph, a radio, a car and a frigidaire.
Our researchers into Public Opinion are content
That he held the proper opinions for the time of year;
When there was peace, he was for peace; when there was war, he went.
He was married and added five children to the population,
Which our Eugenist says was the right number for a parent of his generation.
And our teachers report that he never interfered with their education.
Was he free? Was he happy? The question is absurd:
Had anything been wrong, we should certainly have heard.

It's amazing how you can express this fear that we all have, so beautifully that I can't even begin to critique (wrong spelling right!). But what the f&*k, I mean to what purpose! It's amazing how you can say "what the f&*k" and ride yourself out of any situation, no matter how bad it looks...Some very powerful words there, "what the f&*k", I must say! Hah!

Later then...

Wow! How long has it been? Exactly seven months since I last came over. On my first post I remember mentioning that this is the place where I'd come to pour out the overrunning thoughts! My place to come to peace with this world. I hope that doesn't mean I've had no thoughts for the last 7 months (blonde jokes anyone!)...

Well hopefully it's not that, but let's just say, I've had stuff happening that had me distracted, and thanx to the ever deteriorating state of my (f$%^ing) mind, I eventually forgot that I even had a blog...tch tch tch...such a touching story.

Well I really don't have the strength - which I feel is really just reserved for watching movies, reading a book here and there, and meditating (about Salma Hayek of course) - to go into all the details. Let's just say that I am still in the same continent, and everything else has changed. But don't get too excited, by everything I don't mean that I've stopped losing hair, hey, that's still on its way out! But new country, new job, new room (not yet there to call it home), and new everything. Just the perversions, confusions, and uncertainties remain the same. And as usual, none of this change was planned (by me atleast), and just happened, and I just followed course.

Referring to the piece of poetry Aijaz (who used to be Ejaz) directed to me...

Pat-jhar kee dehleez pay bikhray, baychaaray pattoan kee soorat
Hum ko saath liyay phirtee hai, teray dheyaan kee taiz hawa...

And "teray" being God, and I guess He (ok, ok, or She) has been taking me from place to place, and I just follow orders like the leaves (that fall in autumn) follow the orders of the wind...but that has a good feeling to it, I mean not a lot of tension to it...

So some confessions..."there is no place like home", starting to make sense to me now, "Pakis rule!", I'll be a true, comprehensive patriot by the time I go back (if I go back that is), and SHAH G, I am so damn fucking sorry for not getting in touch with you before returning to Dubai (o and that's where I am now)...Hopefully I'll make up for it someday. But given my current state of mind, I really don't know when (and if) I'll be able to do that!

Well let's not burn out this newly renovated passion to blog now all in one go, even though I think I can just keep going right now...

Till next time then...Hah!

Hmm...about 14 days since the last time I blogged, but atleast this time the reasons attributing to the delay aren't just laziness and procrastination, this time I was actually too involved in too many things (story of my life I guess).

So what's happened in these past 14 days, well the news of all, I've bought my first very own car, yep, mine mine mine! Hyundai Excel, sedan, and pretyy cool as well. And as happens with every second hand car you buy, ever since the day I bought it, I've been trying to bring it into a better condition of being everyday. My first experience of our talented mechanics as well.

Office has been hectic as usual, and everyday I get up with renewed optimism to meet all my deadlines, and hey, I'm even meeting a few of them. But work is good, no more of that monotony of staring at some code editor window, waiting for something to happen. Now it's a better mix of a lot more things.

Then in the last 14 days there were the usual occurancs of milaads and outings with friends and family. But the strange thing is, this time the occurances of outings with friends have been the most rare. Strange huh!

Till next time then, will try to be more regular. Yehh right!

Today, at 11.45 pm I created my blog, well as a matter of fact I just found out about this concept today, thanks to Babar, who is forever adamant that he's the simpleton from a village! I really don't know how regular I would be in this, but it's a good feeling to have a place you could visit and just pour out the over-flowing thoughts from your head.