A little read and some ruminations

Let me start with a little abstract from Nightfall by Isaac Asimov. Sorry for any and all copyright infringements (not really)...

He was going mad, and knew it, and somewhere deep inside a bit of sanity was screaming, struggling to fight off the hopeless flood of black terror. It was very horrible to go mad and know that you were going mad - to know that in a little minute you would be here physically and yet all the real essence that was you would be dead and drowned in the black madness. For this was the Dark - the Dark and the Cold and the Doom. The bright walls of the universe were shattered and their awful black fragments were falling down to crush and squeeze and obliterate him.

Well a friend recommended Asimov to me (and thank you to that friend), and it was a read very well worth the while. It's amazing how you can take a simple idea, like the affect of darkness on people who live in complete light and do not know what night / darkness is, and make it an elaborately complex and truly engrossing tale. During the course of the book, I had this constant feeling that I was being made conscious of the things I'd always been aware of. Another aspect of this science fiction book (even though I never felt it was science fiction) was the humanity of its characters. All the five major characters were flawed just like all of us are, and yet they chose paths that were beyond themselves, beyond their own petty needs and greed...paths leading to what we feel is heroism, and somehow conclude to be a bit out of our reach.

It's always heartening to read about an average Joe going on, on a journey, which when viewed at microscopic details is just an series of everyday decisions that all of us make. But when you view it at the highest level of abstraction, it is a marvel! An act of extreme heroism and valor. I've always preferred these Joes over say Super Man. And I guess the reason for that is quite obvious.

But I truly feel that we need these small doses which re-establish our faith in humanity as a whole, because without it we just become directionless, self-sufficing zombies. Now these small doses can come in all sorts of forms, religious callings, small everyday observations, or reading a book that was written decades ago for some completely different purpose, but served this purpose anyway...

See as long as I can carry forward this hope that someday we would have a world without armies, without violence, theft, cruelty (both physical and mental), I feel I can carry on with this life entrusted to me. You might laugh at the naivety of this thought, heck even I might be laughing at it a week from now, but really, it just boils down to this. To be able to have faith in the goodness of our race of homo sapiens (which the dictionary defines as "bipedal primates having language and ability to make and use complex tools"), and to be able to surrender to it. See if we believe that the essence of every new born is goodness then why should this ideology be considered naive. It's always better then living with some nihilistic delusions, and letting them take control! See for me these wars being waged in the name of peace would never be anything but nihilism.

I for one believe in society and hopefully always will...may Allah be with me.

Welcome back

We never give a flu or a cold much importance in our lives, they're like those uncles who you meet every other wedding you attend. Whose hands you shake warmly, with big and nearly honest smiles, and then move on. Most probably to the table that's serving the pudding! Well this past week I was hanging out with both the uncles, cold and flu, accompanied by their school chum, the fever. This was perhaps the most elaborate rendezvous I've had with them. I am sure my mother would have some horrid memories of some encounter I had with them as a toddler, but this is the one for me as far as my memory is concerned. Which isn't really something to brag about, memory I mean, to site an example a friend of mine sent me back a substantial amount of money, saying she owed me that money, and I still don't remember how, why, when or where!

Three cheers for me...

So finally today I said farewell to these uncles, and dragged myself to work, and dragged myself in nearly the literal sense. Amazing how lazy you can get with just 3 days on the bed. Couple that with the re-runs of all your favorite shows (there was even a special of Mork and Mindy), and you never want to leave! O I wanted so much to just break the alarm clock and go back to my dreams in techni-colour (for a change)! And another good change was the smell of the morning air, and only the people who've breathed in it would know how refreshing that can be.

Who am I kidding, I'd still have preferred to be in my room, just surfing channels and catching Sienfeld and Mork&Mindy re-runs...

So what've I accomplished since last time I blogged:
1) Desert Safari (fun at place, like dune bashing and camel rides)
2) Full recovery from viral infections (a craze in changing weathers)
3) Before Sunset (a complete post shall be dedicated to that)
4) Other movies that I really wanted to see, Sideways, Black, etc (all good, very good)

The rest of my world, well the whole family is busy with the wedding preparations, Alina I'm sure is on the verge of going nuts, balancing the wedding and her semester, Aijaz on cross-roads of a major decision, Shaan chilling out in Khi and probably still wondering what he's doing there, Shah g learning the ropes in Australia, and Babar, well we both know how we feel, so...

Next time!

A little break

The funny thing is that we always keep trying to break the monotony. Little moves are made, strategies thought up, plans brought forward, all to break that dreaded monotony! See it's just not the "mono" age anymore. This is the "hi-fi stereo" age, where everything has to be dynamic and constantly changing. I guess our acceptance and appreciation for each other has ended. Is this the reason that now when you hear marriage, you automatically think divorce? When you hear of some blossoming high-school romance, you know it's doomed! Even friendships these days have somehow become fickle, and keep changing at a mercurial rate!

See I remember my grandmother and how happy she was getting up at 4-5 in the morning, offering her Fajr prayers, reciting the Quran, then heaving two pieces of bread with tea...Every single day I saw her do that (of course until she lost her sight, and then her mind), and still when I shut my eyes to think of peace, I can see her sitting on her little bed, her little hands going over the large version of the Quran. Her copy of the Quran was just huge, the biggest I've seen yet!

She never complained of monotony, she never rallied with her neighbours for equal rights, she never even complained when she was treated like shit in her last days in this world. It isn't that she wasn't educated, her very early morning routine was followed by a late morning routine of reading the news paper, always. She was fully aware of all that surrounded her, all the changes happening in this world about her. I think (even though I'm not sure) that she was there at the public address in which Liaqat Ali Khan was shot. I'm sure she was there every time a new KL Saighal film was released.

See she was at peace with her life, she didn't long for change, she knew how to appreciate how wonderful things were as they were. And it's not like she had it easy. Lost her husband quite early. Then saw her grown son at the peak of his youth die the most tragic death. She was also witness to some extreme financial upheavals. But she trod on, steady and sure. Always calm, at peace, and loving it. Not trying to overcome any monotony but just making most of whatever was thrown her way.

And now, now I see all these friends, family, people in general around me. All have one thing in common, they are all restless, as if trying to break free from earth's orbit. I am probably front row among all these people, who want change, but have no idea what that change is.

See even the movies we love are the ones in which something unexpected happens, and even our reality shows have nothing to do the with the reality of life. We just see glimpses of the changes we would love so much in these shows.

I guess the solution to all this is slowing down, we are moving too fast to feel what we are feeling at the moment, we are always interested in what lies ahead. I guess this is the ideal time to take up fortune telling as a profession. A Masters in Palmistry or something, because everyone is interested in that, and there's definitely a big buck in that!

But I feel that if we slow down, relax and just look around us, and fully absorb all that surrounds us, this restlessness would seize to exist, and then maybe, just maybe, we'd all be like my grandmother...

Happy with what we have, and not dying of desperation for what we want!

OK, that's enough bleak thoughts for now! Hey, not bleak, but hopeful thoughts! Yeah right!

So yesterday my mother and Alina went over to buy the bridal dress for Alina, and also evaluated the options that would make me resemble a clown the most on the wedding day. That must've been fun.

Hey Osama showed up out of nowhere, on an 8 hour notice, and well, this week should be nice! See the monotony broken. Ha ha!

Had a nice long chat with Babar today, and want to save some portions with me, so I'd just paste them here.


fraz_nayyar: waisay when usama called me day before at night and said he was coming, i thought u'd be giving a surprise as well, kay daikh fuzzay main aa gaya, visa lag gaya
mbabarhaq: kaash
fraz_nayyar: wohee na
fraz_nayyar: kaashhhh...
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fraz_nayyar: yaadaain...
fraz_nayyar: waaday...
fraz_nayyar: awaaz daytay na KAASHHhhh...
fraz_nayyar: ha ha
mbabarhaq: uffffffff how good were all the khookas and our meeting
mbabarhaq: even if we met once a week it really provide a lot of comfort
fraz_nayyar: haan, and i never really appreciated that fully
fraz_nayyar: the importance of just sitting there with the flies and cups of tea and sub standard cigarettes!
mbabarhaq: qasam say
mbabarhaq: lying on the manjees
fraz_nayyar: hai! aur woh jo baan kay nishaan par jaatay thay haatoan par
fraz_nayyar: ustaad g cheeni thoree ghat rakhna
mbabarhaq: uffff kitnee freedom theee
mbabarhaq: raaat koo 12 bajay muree bike per
mbabarhaq: sounds like a fantasy
fraz_nayyar: i just took a very very long breath
fraz_nayyar: jaa rahay hain, urtay huay
fraz_nayyar: burrrrrrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
fraz_nayyar: babar token daaal
fraz_nayyar: beech main taqreebna game over bhee ho gaya tha
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fraz_nayyar: waisay babar honestly, ab naheen lagta aisa time phir aayay ga
mbabarhaq: yup lagta tu yoon hee hai
mbabarhaq: but if we get together tu who knoes
mbabarhaq: might get the energy again
fraz_nayyar: haan yeh to hai
fraz_nayyar: waisay energy kee jab zaroorat partee hai to nikal hee aatee hai!
mbabarhaq: woheee na
mbabarhaq: ufff v swam all the way to my place
mbabarhaq: and worked non stop for hours and hours
fraz_nayyar: ha ha
fraz_nayyar: yaara woh to main bhool hee gaya tha
fraz_nayyar: nobody wud believe that waisay
mbabarhaq: threw away our mid term paper just like that
fraz_nayyar: that we swam to ur place wearing our boots
fraz_nayyar: haha
fraz_nayyar: got a 1 in that course
fraz_nayyar: waisay i blew away a mid twice, once with Aijaz, and teh otehr time with u
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But the game never got over, and well that's good isn't it! Is it?

Next time then!

A short story...

Demons by Ross Parson

Down on the hard, wet, sand, a man raced past, disappearing into the night fog. Their eyes followed him, then turned to watch for his pursuer.

"Just his own demons, I guess."

"Got any yourself ?"

"Just you sweetie."

"He'll run out of beach...or breath."

"Or, hopefully, demons."

"I guess it's always a race"

Of Death and defiance

Was just chatting with Aijaz, the usual mindless banter of two people stuck in office with not really much to do for the day, and somehow, we struck upon the topic of death. Yes it was discussing the death of Parveen Babi, a glam doll of the 60s and 70s of the Indian cinema. Well she was found dead in her apartment after the neighbours complained of a collecting pile of news papers and milk bottles outside her house. She had apparently been dead for over two days, due to either a medical overdose or gangrine.

A stralet loved by millions, fantacized about by thousands, found dead, all alone, probably rotting. Once deemed the most beautiful woman of her era, now long forgotten like some small act of kindness.

An excerpt from the chat:

Mohican says:
haan waisay parveen babi's death depressed me, lying dead in flat for over 2 days
Mohican says:
no friends no family
Mohican says:
i wudn't want to go alone, i wud want to be surrounded
Mohican says:
no
@ñKÂHi ® says:
you won't die alone
@ñKÂHi ® says:
I know that
Mohican says:
i take that back, i guess death is something you should experience in the privacy of your company and none other
Mohican says:
what do you say?
@ñKÂHi ® says:
haan it is a personal thing
@ñKÂHi ® says:
maghar you won't be alone
Mohican says:
waisay at time of death i;m sure we wudn't even give a shit if we are alone or not, we'd just be thinking O SHIT! we're dead! ha ha
@ñKÂHi ® says:
"office mayn aik adad bed hona chahiyay" quotes Omair Hameed, my office seat neigbour
Mohican says:
ha ha! true, waisay right now i really want to stretch my back, not sleep, just stretch my back
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@ñKÂHi ® says:
wish someday tu waapis aajaa yaar
@ñKÂHi ® says:
before this life goes waapis
@ñKÂHi ® says:
pata nahin I don't believe that we will live long
@ñKÂHi ® says:
anyways....
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Mohican says:
same here buddy, either that or we'd live one of those extremely long, never ending lives
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Mohican says:
no moderation, just extremes
@ñKÂHi ® says:
yup
@ñKÂHi ® says:
agreed

So that was the brief conversation we had, that's left me thinking, or rather pondering death. Questions like would I be petrified when my time comes? Would I shit in my pants? Would I even be allowed the dignity of being dressed when the time comes? Or Would I be waiting for it patiently, knwoing that the time's come? Would I be full of grace leaving at the departure gate of this planet?

I've witnessed a few deaths in my life, people that I loved quite a bit. The first was my grandfather (father's side), but I was really too small to realize the implications. But I remember it was a fit of tremendous rage to remove all the intravenous drips and the catheter. An old old man getting up with a furious burst of energy pulling all these cords out of his body, and then in a moment just going limp, falling back, face totally devoid of expression. The doctors termed it a major heart attack (or was it a stroke)...

Second time I witnessed death was when my grandmother (mother's side) crossed over to the other side. This time I was a bit older (though not that much), and in all reality much more attached to her. You see in her failing times she stayed in my room for a while, and it was nice to have her there, although she had forgotten more or less everything, but did recongize a thing of two when I pulled some act to cheer her up or just shut her up...oh I am so sorry for that...

I remember death coming slowly to her. Doctors had already sent her home, nothing they could do...I remember her breathing most, I mean she was breathing, then the breathing got quicker, louder, and then even louder. At the end it was the breathing of an 18 year old after a 20 mile run. So strong, I never thought her frail chest was capable of that. And then it ended in these little wheezes.

She drifts away...

Third and last time was the recent past, when my favourite uncle passed away. Now this was probably the most paranormal of all. I was staying with him at the hospital in the nights, with his son. I remmeber he was taken to the hospital in very bad shape, and he improved there, became stable. It's strange how weak the lungs of these tall strong men were!

Anyway the doctors even sent him home for Eid. So that he could spend it with family. The eid was good, the ending of it wasn't. I remember him asking me at the end of the day that he'd just need two more days of my time, and since he was doing so well, of course he meant two days to recovery. Right sure. So late that night we took him back to the hospital. Exactly two days later just after he was in the best of spirit; he got off his bed, came sat with us on our bench, complimented the slippers I wore, and then he got up and sat down on the ground. We asked him why he was doing that. His reply was simple, he did not need beds anymore! Exactly two hours later he was dead, exactly two days after he asked for another two days from me. What I remember about his passing was that in his last moment he did not break eye contact with his younger son (they always had a special link, like from a De Maurier novel), and just kept looking into them, without blinking as life lost him. But he was always calm and collected, looking into the eyes of his beloved son...

Now how would this inevitable passage be for me? Would it be in the bounds of a rage? Would it be when I am scared witless and shaking? Would it be that I'd know the time's come and accept it, and move on? Of course I can't say! I hope it's the last, but I'd never know till I know I guess! Ha ha. But the question I'm thinking about mostly is that would I want the ones I love and cherish around me at that moment?

See death is probably when you are most vunerable after your birth. Totally defenseless, in the middle of the grandest stage, stark naked, having forgotten all the lines and the name of the play! Now the people I love, I adore are also the people I hope love and adore me. And with love and adoration comes respect. I would want them to respect me the way I respect them. And I would want them to remember me as I am today, looking up to the rising sun, running hard...the good run.

I wouldn't want them to remember me at that final moment where I'd probably have no control over myself...

So yes, when it is time to go, I'd rather go alone, walk the final walk with myself to give me company. And if it's an exit that is graceful then I would always remember that about me, and if not, then I'm sure I'll keep my own little secert!

Time shall tell!

And Eid flies by

Hmm...that was quick (and thank God for that)! I am sure I've said this more then once, but I'll say it again, these sort of festive events should only come when you are with your family! And by family I don't just mean my wife, my parents, but the whole crew of about 35 people. My aunts, uncles, cousins, and their kids! Everyday I realize how much I love them, and how much they mean to me.

Now to come to this Eid. I guess the highlight would be when we went to offer the Eid prayers at 7 in the morning, and it was drizzling, with a strong wind. Ofcourse I had brought no warm clothes with me. (Come on, how cold can it get in a desert! Answer to that, pretty cold!) But I think even if I had my warm clothes with me, I would have avoided them. See it's just brilliant when the cold morning wind breezes into your soul, with a little bit of rain. Ummmmmm...delicious!

So Eid was good, and Waseem chacha (Alina's uncle) and family made it really comfortable for me, bless them! And chachee was kind enough to make some delicious vegetarian food for me, respecting my vegetarian habits for this time of the year, and well, the food was enticing, in an honest way! See when the food is good then half the battle is won, more then half for me, ha ha. Ofcourse the reel of family pictures kept floating in front of my eyes, and I had my low moments, but hey, that WAS due to happen.

O and I also finally went to the famed Global Village, and even that was better then expected, or atleast the death defying rides sure were! See what they have going there is that the area marked for the festival is considered a globe, and different countries are mapped onto it! Just think of a country and it's there, and watching all the different cultures, their music, their clothes is quite a heartening experience. I mean you grow up reading geography, and about all these different countries, but to see people from all these countries gathered together in a 4 square mile radius, Wow! (that's my assumption, don't go by it, most probably it totally inaccurate)

See I've always been aware that this little planet of ours is a big place, but that night I was conscious of it. All these people from all these countries, so different in so many ways, and yet still the same. Once again I plead to this world, stop the Goddamn senseless killing! We're all more or less the same, then what's the freaking point! OK, I am not going down that tunnel right now.

Yes, the rides, well I did manage to sit in this totally exorbitant ride, one of those "take you to the threshold of life and death" experiences. See you are encapsulated in a roller coaster kind of chest cover (and thank God for that), and are rotated at furiously fast speeds in a ginormous vertical circle, in both clockwise and anticlockwise directions, and the seat you are sitting in is also rotating, in all possible manners of rotation. Totally like earth's trip round the sun, just a lot more erratic and out of control. And to top it off, yes, it was drizzling, and to feel tiny droplets of water on your face at that height and speed...hmm...what was that expression? Ha ha.

You know when I came over to this desert, the one thing I dreaded most was that there would be no rain, and well, it's rained here, it's hailed here, it's been a combination of all sorts of my favorite violent weather.

O and I also took my uncle's kids with me, so it was my group of friends (all in their mid to late twenties and some into their thirties) and my uncle's son and daughter (in their teens, son 14teen, daughter 18teen). And I just watched in amazement how these two sects (if I may be allowed to call them) blended in. See we in our late twenties are really missing that wonderful college / school life, and we haven't totally forgotten about it, and can't but go back. And the residents of the teens can't wait to graduate and enter the so called adult life, job, apartment, car, etc etc. So for a change both the sects were totally fond of each other, and admired each other, and above all, wanted to be each other! That's why I was wondering if I can call them sects, cause you hear sects and the first thing that comes to mind is undiluted bouts of loathing. And most of my friends went to the same school as my cousins were now attending. The same school, the same syllabus, just about a decade ago! Wow! And at the end of the day the only difference was that the idols changed, the fashions changed, and the rest, all the same. Even some of the teachers survived. And you can always spend weeks talking about all those teachers you thought were from Mars ten years ago, with these teenagers who think they are from Mars in present day!

And yes, boys and girls are like totally different species in their teens. See as time passes by, I think the male and female specimens learn to co-exist, we find out things that both can go through with a smile on the face, and we keep on doing those things, and of course there's the rare boys night out and the girls night out, to bring back some sanity! But in the teens, well, in the teens...

The boy (under the knife of my observation) was just keen to tell the universe how brave, and strong and fearless he was, and how no rules existed for him. How the "sun was totally uncool, and the night was it!" And the girl, well she was totally bent upon showing how grown up and mature and adult she is, and of course how she feels that Hillary Duff is the most intelligent person in this world! OK, now that's taking it a bit far...But to sum it up, I guess the girls want to carry more of a Katherine Hepburn (we still love you) aura, and the boys want to be more of 2 Pac figures. Disagree anyone?

I guess this is enough rambling for now.

Oh and Eid Mubarak!

Fading / Dissolving

I've been meaning to come to blog, an activity that's fast becoming my favorite. But somehow never got around to it. Not that I didn't have time, but because had too many thoughts and didn't know what to do with them. It really is true that the lesser you talk the more you think, and I've been doing that for some time now. Mind you, I do not speak of constructive and "help the humanity" thoughts, but just thoughts, one coming and another fading, while the other dissolving into another becoming a new thought, and then a newer thought.

Am I making sense?

When was the last time I lay down, flat out, on the ground and conjured up shapes out of scattered clouds? I swear I saw a dancing ballerina the other day in the sky, after so long, so so long! When was the last time I admired migrating birds, and marveled at how systematic, determined, and focused they were? I swear I saw a whole flock of them, darting through the skies like a speeding arrow! These days I've been doing all these things, doing all this because I'm not saying much, but thinking a lot. Does it all add up? Ever?

Last weekend I went to the movies with Yousuf and Faryal, and their lovely daughter, whose recently learned to walk (well about 2 months recently). And now when you go out with her, there's no stopping her. She does not want to be carried any more, she just wants to carry her self far far away on her own two little feet. In these last two years I've basically been watching movies every time I go to the cinemas, but this time I went to the movies, where the objective really isn't to watch the movie, but to enjoy the whole charade! Of course Mano went bonkers in the second half of the movie, and from then on, there was a movie going on, on screen, and another (much more interesting and entertaining) movie going on on the seat next to mine. You just couldn't contain the kid! Bless her! I wonder if anything can be more refreshing then the tantrums thrown by kids...I'm sure Yousuf would disagree who missed the ending of the movie because he had to go out of the cinema with the kid!

Last night I got home quite late (after an unsuccessful attempt to resurrect a system from viruses), and was totally drained. Had a hard day at work yesterday, and then the failed virus removal exercise. But instead of walking into my room and hitting the bed immediately, I just walked around, in circles literally. The same roads again and again. And it felt good, just doing the rounds of the streets of my neighborhood like a security guard, making sure that everything's in place.

So Eid's coming up, and I remember mentioning in some previous post that I was looking forward to two things, one new years, and two the Eid. At new year's I was supposed to have a blast, and at Eid I was supposed to get depressed. Well I guess I can still keep the second of the two promises! I'm just thinking what everyone would be up to right now back home! Yep, I have a full picture, and I really want to put it to words right now, I guess it's too difficult to describe. See too many words in every language describing actions, and too few describing feelings, and things that are just felt...

Is there really a state of contentment, where you can just sit back and be satisfied? There always is something to be achieved, some level desired. Words from Babar come to mind right now, "simplify life"! Simple! You're running after too many things, you're thinking about things that you shouldn't really be thinking about. Just simplify it all. But it's not really that simple is it! At least for a bloke like me. If there's some classification between thinkers and achievers, then I'd definitely be a thinker, and not a thinker like Newton, who achieved because he thought, but a thinker like...well like someone like...me I guess. But there's so much I want to do, and I don't mean things like "I want to be CEO of my own company in 5 years", but things like living on a farm, raising cattle, working in a factory, write a book, make a small little movie on that book, sharing all this with someone, and sharing that someone's experiences too, and so much that I can't even think of right now. But it would come back to me.

Whenever I look into my mother's eyes I see so much that she wanted to do, so much that she could have done, she could really have been a wild soul, living life in the moment. But..ahh always a but! I think she made a choice somewhere along the line, she chose, and she lived up to it, and she's still doing just that at full blow. I think that's how it always is "running before time took our dreams away..."! Floyd! You can always refer to Floyd.

But I still want to hang onto my dreams, and live them every time I can sneak them into my life choices. Is that possible? Well there's only one way to find out isn't there.

Live on...keep fading, keep dissolving, keep living!

O and happy birthday Zeeshan!

Thick Clouds

Have I ever mentioned how fascinated I am by highly eccentric (and a tad violent) weather? Strong winds, thundering clouds, dazzling sun, harrowing night chills! I can fail to understand how you can sit and enjoy a tranquil sunset on a calm beach, I mean it's great, but compare that to walking up on narrow paths made of mud, putting in all your energy to go against fierce gushes of rain trying to knock you out. How can you feel more alive then when you walk through a blizzard with eyes closed and ears feeling like houses; or walking into a raging sea, jumping up every time a big wave comes? Can anything match that feeling you get when your feet lose ground, and your insignificant existence is totally at the mercy of these giant water boulders smacking into you.

Today I walked into my office in one of the best moods in a long time by a long shot. Reason. Well nothing special happened, it was the usual night (some TV, some yabbing, and a few cigarettes), and the morning was the same as well. Except I got out of my bed a bit late and had to rush through everything to get to work on time. But on my 20 minute walk to my office, I got treated with absolutely wonderfully powerful weather! Thick clouds running overhead, constantly being replaced by newer clouds, the sun never allowed the opportunity to show its face, and the most powerful winds I've seen in a while; winds against which you have to really button up your coat all the way. Winds in which to walk you have to bend yourself to the "ruku" position in prayer.

Feeling life first-hand. Every sense of the body enhanced, all information coming in discrete packets (and that too achieved without even the slightest influence of marijuana!). I think I could have walked on forever today, well not forever, but to my demise definitely, and when I'd have left, it would have been with a happy heart. A joyous exit, what can be better then that now!

And the best thing about the walk this morning wasn’t the weather or the marvels of God. (Extremely thankful for both though). The best thing for me was that I was on the verge of jumping with joy. I could have walked up Mount Everest this morning, and would have sung Sinatra songs all the way up. Let it snow people! No matter what age you are, I guess to feel like this is always that special treat kept for the grandest occasion.

I’ve been sitting at my desk for the last 4 hours (well most of those hours, had my medical today, so…) and still I am forcing myself to keep sitting. I don’t think my professional colleagues would appreciate the sight of a balding guy, slightly on the chubby side, bouncing around the office.

O and Junaid also sent me the “MA does the Twist” video from his wedding dholkee last month. And well all I can say is that nothing compares. Man MA I am sure you give Travolta a run for his money (or definitely his sanity)! I wish I could have the video played on all stations on this little planet of our for a whole day. It’s just too damn funny.
And the sight of all the boys doing the all Punjabi Bhangra, fused with the night club additions of what I think they felt is a turn-on for the ladies. Yes Zeeshan I speak of your 2-Pac meets Shirley McLean moves! A big no! Well missed out on some amazing times. O and please someone, help Naufal find his groove!

In other news, well I’ve lost touch with the proper world for some time now. I mean I do speak to parents nearly everyday. Alina has performed a disappearing act however, but I guess that’s due to her exams (good luck for those). And the rest of the boys are just AWOL!

Done for now!

of moments and consequences

Is it really true that a single moment in one's life can define it as a whole? That a single moment can trigger a complete doctoral degree of consequences, that in turn defines your fate? The answers to that I do not know, and well I don't think I'll ever "really" know. Reason being that life, like most things in this world is never an exact science. It is an artful representation that can be interpreted in infinite ways. So I can never be sure that my experiences reflect the experiences as a whole, and are not just some anomaly of the standard, if there is a standard, that is. And we can just go on and on with argument and counter arguments and have a session of the parliament at our hands, so much talk, so much toil, and so little to show of it!

But what I do know is that you can live on for years and not really go through any real change except for the methodical change that time induces. But eventually you are exactly the same person. And what I do know is that you can be strolling around in no specific direction, with no specific thoughts in mind, just a song or two doing rounds in the head, and WHAM! A single moment, a single sight, and you are off your feet, completely off track, shooting off in some completely new projectile trajectory. And that moment, that particular instant can have the direst consequences in your life, good or bad...

Now this moment, this epiphany, if I may call it that, does not have to be something out of the ordinary. It can just be a toddler trying to hold on to his mother's coat to keep up, an old man sitting on a bench, completely still, surrounded by rushed movements that are always out of time, out of breath. It can even be an some self-involved, ostentatious kid feeling all important in some slick designer wear. Things that you see and witness every day, and don't give a second thought to. And these things at another time stop you in your tracks, dead still. Or they can just register themselves in some hidden depth of your mind, and then pop-up out of nowhere someday, and again stop you in your tracks, dead still.

If I want I can recount many such moments in my life, that somehow had an effect on me. Things that helped me (or rather forced me) to reach particular decisions. Decisions that affected my life and the lives of those attached to me. And what follows now is a series of consequences, bundled with a few more moments. Sort of like the circle of life! Again I don't know, and I guess I really don't want to know. See for me it's like the stuff inside a girl's bathroom, stuff that you're always better off never finding out about!

At least that's my bearing on it. But no matter what the moments, no matter what the consequences, what really matters is the journey, what we call life. See I've begun to feel that you really have to live it right here, right now. Of course there's the life after death to look forward to, but we keep saying stuff like get out of your past, it cannot be changed, forget tomorrow, for it's too uncertain, and just live in today. So why not apply this theory to the comparison between life and the life after death. Why not relish and bathe in the joys of this life. And I guess if I have any new years resolutions then this would be it, to appreciate every moment, and cherish every consequence.

To love in sickness and in health, till death do us part.

Hah!

Only then can you belong to me

These lines resonated in my head as I walked out of the cinema yesterday. Yes I had finally seen the Phantom of the Opera (the Lloyd Webber & Schumacher version). And after quite a while I left the multiplex with the movie still doing rounds in my head. The last time that happened was Eastwood's Mystic River.

Now I know that there have been a zillion versions of this classic, but I never got around to seeing even one of them. Yes I remember listening to Webber's score for the first time in, when was it, I guess somewhere around 98. And it had quite an effect on me. And I only heard one piece of music from the broadway show (the one used in the movie for the song "the phantom of the opera is here...", don't knwo what its called). And it was always powerful in a haunting way. Have been humming it every now and then ever since.

But what caught me about the movie (apart from the brilliant sets, costumes, lighting, effects, mesmerizing back drops, and seemless filmmaking) was the human emotion involved. The biggest drawback of musicals is that they seem a bit out of reach (note I do not say far fetched, I don't consider them far fetched), and it's always difficult to relate to them. I mean how many of us can see ourselves sitting in our studies and singing to our friends "why can't a woman be more like a man". And "My fair lady" was the first musical I saw, see my dad's always been a fan of both the Hepburns, and yes it was love at first site for me as wel. I've never seen the current heroines (beautiful and talented as they are) illuminate the screen like Audrey Hepburn did, and let's not even begin to compare them to the Katherine Hepburn (holy grounds for me)!

OK, getting back to the point now. Yes, what I was saying was yesterday I actually felt part of the whole charade. I actually felt that I was standing there among the hundreds of extras. I could feel the irony of the masked ball sequence inside of me, and at the climax, I could feel the cool of the Paris undergrounds. And yes, at the end, I was a bit shook up, specially the monkey and ring sequence between Christine, the phantom, and ofcourse a monkey! And it wasn't at all funny.

It is amazing when at the end of it, a movie can make you feel sorry for a murdering, possessing, raving madman, who if born with a normal face could have been the high-light of his era, the greatest catch, the biggest shot. Even though the character of the patron, Raoul, is depcited as more of a dim wit (and somehow I feel that wasn't intentional), and perhaps the only actor that you fail to notice on screen. But yes, Emmy Rossum as Christine was just divine. Oh and the pleasent surprise was that she was a link from Mystic River (in which she leaves an impact in the 3 minutes she gets on screen), the last movie that came outside the theater with me, in my head.

I guess my excitment for the movie also has to do with the fact that I haven't seen the earlier versions, and there'd be many saying that it was terrible, and the best was the "so and so" version. But it was definately a worthy experience for me at a time of not so many worthy experiences, as a matter of fact worth another show as well. The movie can be seen just for its climax, the masked ball, and the snowy rooftop sequence with Paris in the back drop.

Gone now...

That loving feeling...

Remember the Righteous Brothers saying "you've lost that loving feeling...no it's gone...gone...gone...woooooooohhh...". Well sometimes I really feel that I've lost that loving feeling, that brings bundled with it loads of passion. Another day to describe it is saying something like "...well with the passage of time...".

Yesterday I was sitting with my new found acquaintences, and we were all discussing what can now safely be termed as our youths. Everyone (even the most withdrawn and aloof) had amazing stories to tell. Stories that somehow you don't believe, nodding your head with a smile and saying inside "yuh right!".

I mean who would believe that you would walk on a 12 inch pipe about 30 feet above an raging flow of water, tip-toe your way to the very center, sit down, and well, just smoke. Reason for that, "I liked the view of the stream from there, plus it made for a pretty good picture". I guess one wouldn't, but I always would because I was one among four who attempted this.

But believing in these stories isn't the point. I was doing the nodding and laughing inside bit myself yesterday at another's story, when this incident came to mind. This with so many like it, from round about the same time. The point is that in our youths we are these complete nut cases, not afraid to do anything, filled with a passion for life. What the Brothers would call "that lovin feeling"!

Even love then was this amazing and perfect thing, and all high school romances would last a life time. No horrid memories of the past seeping in to totally ruin the good moments of today. Life was ahead of you, and you would live forever. There would never be an existence of the Achilles' heel.

Fast forward to present day. Well you would never walk to the center of the pipe, and if you see some kids attempting that, you'd just smirk and think what's the future of this world which would be run by these doped up, delusional $%&^%&...

That loving feeling has been replaced by extreme caution and sensibility. With a consciousness about the future, and a sense of responsibility nullifying our every natural instinct.

You've lost that lovin' feeling...
Whoa, that lovin' feeling...
You've lost that lovin' feeling...
Now it's gone...gone...gone...wooooooh...

Next time then!

P.S. Tsunami death toll nears 200,000 now...

A dawning new year and nature's wrath

Another years tumbles and rumbles while running to an end. A year gone by in a flash. It still feels like the 1st of January, and waking up in a strange apartment! Having a warm mug of coffee at the small little cafe and sharing with my best bud (yes Zeehsan that's you) the exciting possibilities this new year brings! And now it's December, and the very end of it! Wow!

The year's been fairly good, I mean no serious bruises or crashes, just a somehwat merry ride through the whirl-wind 365 days. Some days excellent, some terrible, but most just out right indifferent. Many memories from small moments this year will hopefully stick with me forever, and many, hopefully I would forget, in time. Sighting a deer in the backyard at the earliest hours of a chilly morning, and staring blanky at the roof of a room, lost in a perilious quest for that ellusive bit of the peace of mind. Finding strength in someone's eyes, and finding out first-hand what Julies Ceaser meant when he said what he said before it all ended for him, you too.... Somehow every year turns into an amalgum of such memories, memories that you cherish, and memories that wake you up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat.

I just wish the year hadn't come to a conclusion being witness to perhaps one of the most catastrophic displays of nature's wrath. More then 23,000 dead in South Asia (mostly Srilanka, India, and Indonesia) due to a series of tsunamis that came without any warning (due to the strongest earthquake ever guaged), but perhaps a deep gut feeling of something terrible about to happen. But I guess most of the people who felt this gut feeling would feel no more, ever! After a long time I saw the news for nearly half a day at a stretch, and finally got up when I couldn't see another dead child being carried away, another woman beating her chest screaming at the skies as if waiting for an answer, another man breathing, but lost in death's tow.

It felt to me like a reminder from nature as to what really matters at the end. It's not the dream job that we work ourselves to exhaustion for. It's not the clothes we buy, or the cars we fantasize about. It's not about tall sky scrapers that we build. But at the end I feel it's about still being able to feel hurt and crushed just because someone else somewhere got hurt, got crushed. But still as humanity we keep the killing rampage alive. Thousands dead, people who don't even know each other going at it with everything to bring the other to an untimely end. Incredible really how in so many ways we are still stuck in that stone age, where murder happened for the best part of the animal's dead body. Nothing's changed but the clothes, and some cologne.

Here's wishing a peaceful new year to all of us, where the crazed fucking leaders of this high-tech world get some sense, and appreciate life for what it is. Just life!

Gone now...

Rain in the Desert

There have been many theories about when the desert looks its prettiest. Sunrise, sunset, during a sand storm, etc etc. Now all of these moments have their own beauty to them, as a matter of fact every aspect of nature has a beauty to it that is unique to it. But for me the desert is at its most mesmerizing when it rains. Rain to a desert is like a drink to a man stranded in sea, or like sunshine for a person lost in the depths of tha rian forests (or just stuck in England).

It has been raining for the past two days now in my part of the desert (which has more or less transformed into a metropolitan city). It's gotten a bit chilly, and thick gray clouds have covered the skies, and refuse to move on. Rain's come down in its various forms, heavy, thick, drizzle, mist, and every form has been breathtaking!

So Christmas came and went and like all non-christians I was dissapointed when I found out that there's no holiday for non-christians. But the day came and went without much noticable change (I mean last year I was in NY city and there the air breathed christmas), except for a few Santa caps here and there.

But I am looking forward to new years and the Eid-ul-Adha, the first to have fun, and the second to think of my family and miss them!

In other news of my world, my parents, Alina, and all the other family have headed out to Lahore to attend my (distant) counsin's wedding, and since they all went in one bus (specially hired) I am sure I missed out on some brilliant family fun. I hope they're enjoying the wedding as much as I am enjoying the rains.

Have been speaking to Aijaz quite often, and he's doing good, and I hear that the wedding anniversary went quite well. Babar finally moved to Saudia for the new job, but still hasn't been hit by the first pang of the king-size depression!

Oh and Pakistan is doing farely well in the secong test against Australia, but I am still quite doubtful how they'll hold up against them for the next 3 full days. Hopefully better then they did at Perth. I think I could've done better there, but it just wasn't the "boys" day, plus Inzamam's bad back. Do the math!

Next time then...

Finally moved...

Well I am definately not talking about being moved emotionally or anything, but finally I made the move to the newer (and economically more viable) apartment. The moving process was pretty much the same, and my body isn't extra-ordinarilly stiff from hauling all the luggage yesterday. Isn't it amazing how you just keep on accumulating stuff, and you only appreciate the amount of junk you've collected when you have to move it! I guess one of the real ironies of life (compared to kids starving and being bombed all over the world. Yeah right! Sure...)

So last night was that perfect first night in a new place, where you lie down early to start the new day from the new place all fresh and rosy, and can't shut your eyes the whole freakin night. And since I am sharing a room with someone for the first time (well the childhood memories in poverty of living in one big room with complete family doesn't count). Well ok, I'm sharing my room for the first time in my grown up life, and I've always been a bit peculiar about the state (or rather statelessness) of my room. So I guess that was another reason for not sleeping at all last night, and right now, at the end of the working day, feeling like a complete Zombie.

But you know the most amazing quality of the human-being (note to my college English teacher (Mrs. Butt), I used the whole word, and didn't go all American on it), it's our ability to adopt! I mean really pick up a guy (or gal) from the deepest jungle of Africa, and put them on the north-pole. The person would learn to first stay alive, then move from day to day, and eventually feeling alive on the pole (north I mean)! So like all mortals, I would also (iA) learn to do that.

Till next time...

Yesterday, as I packed...

If you are made to move quite often, from place to place, one apartment to another, you just get used to it. It just becomes another drill (like those PE class exercises that you know by heart), and you just follow the motions. These clothes in this bag, these items in plastic bags, a bag for shoes, a bag for books, and so on and so forth.

But yesterday as I was going through the same motion (again moving to a different apartment), I opened Pandora's box, or in my case a small plastic bag, with lots of old letters, cards, and some photos. And I thought that since I was so ahead of time, and packing in such a systematic and organized manner, why not take some time out and go through this little bag I carry around the world with me. And I got up again after about two hours, incapable of doing much, in a haze...

There were letters that friends sent me some 6-7 years ago, right after we had all made the big leap from finishing 12th standard to entering universities, all around the globe. Letters stating the thoughts of that age, letters looking for purpose of life, trying to find meanings in what we felt were just meaningless existences! I even found some letters that I had written at that time, but never got to posting them (even the reasons for not posting them were clear in my mind)! Oh and these weren't emails, these were proper letters that you buy stamps for and put in a letter box. I was, well both touched and embarassed, touched by the honesty and rawness of emotion, and embarassed by the consistent use of profanities, words that I guess I wouldn't even think of thinking now! There were some pictures of first loves, some cards sent on various occasions held solemn by us, birthdays, new years, new home, etc etc...

I have been lucky to have not really lost touch with (most) friends that I held dear to me, and they are still there in my life, not with the same intensity, but definately still there in a very meaningful way, or with grown intensity. I could actually see them growing with each card, with each letter, and wondering how wonderfully powerful this life is, and how we become completely different people without even knowing it. I think if I were to run into myself 10 years ago, well I wouldn't really like the person, and at the same time I would be ashamed by that person's honesty and simplicity of thought and action. Amazing how we start with no barrier between thought and action, and eventually build up the great wall in between, the great wall of analyzing pros and cons of a particular action, the great wall of wimpering out of action, scared of the consequences.

As I sifted through these letters I also thought of all the letters that I cannot find, all the cards I misplaced, all the loved ones I lost... Even with all the friends that life retained for me, there were numerous best friends, friends for life, the big pact friends who just got misplaced, like some artifacts you keep on your shelf that just disappear one day.

I closed the bag, packed everything in carefully, carried on with my packing and completed it, smoked about 2-3 cigarettes at a stretch, and went to sleep. And as usual got up at 7.30 in the morning, went through the daily ordeals, and am sitting here, all dressed up for work. But still I am thinking of all those wonderful friends I lost touch with, wondering what they are doing at this very moment, wondering if they still dream the same dreams, or have their dreams changed. Wondering if they, at this very moment, are happy and content with life, or are they sad and lost. Well I wish you all that I lost somehow, are actually happy and satisfied, still as gregarious as you were then, and that when you lie down your slumber is peaceful, and you dream nice dreams. I really don't know if I wish to meet you again, cause I guess it would be too damn painful and sarcastic, being a stranger to a person you knew the ins and outs of! Hah! I guess that is the essence of life.

Now to the people who I haven't really lost touch with. Babar flies for Saudia tomorrow, headed for a new job, a new career, a new and modified existence! I can understand what you must be going through tonight Babar, the excitement, the sadness, the fears, etc etc... You might not admit, but I am sure it's all there. And somehow I also know that it's all going to turn out just fine!

My good friend Aijaz celebrates his first wedding anniversay today! Wow! I guess a day to cherish, a day to make some new resolves and stick by them. A day to decide that this life is wonderful, and we'll just make it better.

Junaid, someone who I somehow always keep on hearing about, and speak to every once in a while, he has his Nikah today, and what a wonderful feeling that is. Nothing can even ever compare to it.

Alina would be finally fully recovering from her cold and flu, and trying to look good for the presentations, assignment deliveries and all the deadlines!

The whole family would be panicking, completing the last moment preperations for the big family wedding (a distant cousin of mine). Packing and un-packing stuff, remembering and forgetting things...

And the rest of them, well I am sure you'd be running hard and bright against life, not letting it overtake you and defeat you...

So a trip down memory lane, and then back to work...WTF!

Have fun!

A new day, some old thoughts...

Now is this impressive, or is this impressive, back to blog on a second consecutive day. How's the day been, well the usual really, some meetings, lots of discussions, some grinding work, and an overdose of black coffee!

You know it's been nearly four years that I've entered what we call a professional life. Workplace, deadlines, colleagues, and a paycheck to sum it all up. Companies have changed, job descriptions revised...but the essence still the same. Wake up at a particular time, clean up, change, head for work, get off at a particular time, head home, change, hang out with friends (mostly just hang out with yourself), watch a movie, read a book, visit someone, go to sleep at a particular time, and then...well wake up the next morning at a particular time. And after a time you even stop feeling that you've lost all feelings, and have just numbed yourself to everything. (Right now the lyrics to "Comfortable Numb" by Floyd are just circling my head...is there anybody out there...).

You grow up, working hard (or atleast pretending that you are working hard), get a class education, rebel and hate your parents guts every now and then, graduate from an institute that manufactures robotic humans who would fit into a particular mode of work, and then wham! You are into the cycle of the working man's plights. And then you can even at times, sit on the sidelines and catch your life pass you by in a blur. Ofcourse going through all the routines that are expected of you, family man, marriage, parent, and always remaining a child, and looking for a mother / father figure who could just teach you to walk again. Or just teach you to tie the shoe laces, how to cross the road. Sometimes this urge to be a toddler just supersedes everything, and you try to go back to the land of Cerelac and cereal. But no matter how powerful your imagination is, you are always jolted back to your current (lack of) existence, and then...well you start circling again.

I remember this monologue from "Before Sunrise" (watch it if you haven't) where Hawke's character just starts on how sick he is of himself. I mean like there's this one person (that's me myself) who's always been with me, on the day I started reading the Quran, the day the finished reading the Quran, the first time I had a crush on someone, the day any thing of any significance ever happened, I was there with me. I am sick of myself, and for once I'd want to go somewhere without myself! Quite a dream huhn! But that was Before Sunrise, and so many sunsets after that, I really don't know. I mean is there a hidden clan of pagans who know what they want, who have everything figured out, and they get together secretly to laugh at jackasses like us, who haven't a clue, but still conform to all conformities! Ofcouse there are those who reject these rules setup by society, we often call these people rejects, or losers, but hey, it's not like they are in very good shape. I mean they aren't really very great people. But who knows...

There's this Auden poem called "The unknown citizen", read it, and you'll know what I'm talking about. As a matter of fact I'll paste it here!

The Unknown Citizen
W. H. Auden

(To JS/07/M/378 This Marble Monument Is Erected by the State)

He was found by the Bureau of Statistics to be
One against whom there was no official complaint,
And all the reports on his conduct agree
That, in the modern sense of an old-fashioned word, he was a saint,
For in everything he did he served the Greater Community.
Except for the War till the day he retired
He worked in a factory and never got fired,
But satisfied his employers, Fudge Motors Inc.
Yet he wasn't a scab or odd in his views,
For his Union reports that he paid his dues,
(Our report on his Union shows it was sound)
And our Social Psychology workers found
That he was popular with his mates and liked a drink.
The Press are convinced that he bought a paper every day
And that his reactions to advertisements were normal in every way.
Policies taken out in his name prove that he was fully insured,
And his Health-card shows he was once in hospital but left it cured.
Both Producers Research and High-Grade Living declare
He was fully sensible to the advantages of the Installment Plan
And had everything necessary to the Modern Man,
A phonograph, a radio, a car and a frigidaire.
Our researchers into Public Opinion are content
That he held the proper opinions for the time of year;
When there was peace, he was for peace; when there was war, he went.
He was married and added five children to the population,
Which our Eugenist says was the right number for a parent of his generation.
And our teachers report that he never interfered with their education.
Was he free? Was he happy? The question is absurd:
Had anything been wrong, we should certainly have heard.

It's amazing how you can express this fear that we all have, so beautifully that I can't even begin to critique (wrong spelling right!). But what the f&*k, I mean to what purpose! It's amazing how you can say "what the f&*k" and ride yourself out of any situation, no matter how bad it looks...Some very powerful words there, "what the f&*k", I must say! Hah!

Later then...

Wow! How long has it been? Exactly seven months since I last came over. On my first post I remember mentioning that this is the place where I'd come to pour out the overrunning thoughts! My place to come to peace with this world. I hope that doesn't mean I've had no thoughts for the last 7 months (blonde jokes anyone!)...

Well hopefully it's not that, but let's just say, I've had stuff happening that had me distracted, and thanx to the ever deteriorating state of my (f$%^ing) mind, I eventually forgot that I even had a blog...tch tch tch...such a touching story.

Well I really don't have the strength - which I feel is really just reserved for watching movies, reading a book here and there, and meditating (about Salma Hayek of course) - to go into all the details. Let's just say that I am still in the same continent, and everything else has changed. But don't get too excited, by everything I don't mean that I've stopped losing hair, hey, that's still on its way out! But new country, new job, new room (not yet there to call it home), and new everything. Just the perversions, confusions, and uncertainties remain the same. And as usual, none of this change was planned (by me atleast), and just happened, and I just followed course.

Referring to the piece of poetry Aijaz (who used to be Ejaz) directed to me...

Pat-jhar kee dehleez pay bikhray, baychaaray pattoan kee soorat
Hum ko saath liyay phirtee hai, teray dheyaan kee taiz hawa...

And "teray" being God, and I guess He (ok, ok, or She) has been taking me from place to place, and I just follow orders like the leaves (that fall in autumn) follow the orders of the wind...but that has a good feeling to it, I mean not a lot of tension to it...

So some confessions..."there is no place like home", starting to make sense to me now, "Pakis rule!", I'll be a true, comprehensive patriot by the time I go back (if I go back that is), and SHAH G, I am so damn fucking sorry for not getting in touch with you before returning to Dubai (o and that's where I am now)...Hopefully I'll make up for it someday. But given my current state of mind, I really don't know when (and if) I'll be able to do that!

Well let's not burn out this newly renovated passion to blog now all in one go, even though I think I can just keep going right now...

Till next time then...Hah!

Hmm...about 14 days since the last time I blogged, but atleast this time the reasons attributing to the delay aren't just laziness and procrastination, this time I was actually too involved in too many things (story of my life I guess).

So what's happened in these past 14 days, well the news of all, I've bought my first very own car, yep, mine mine mine! Hyundai Excel, sedan, and pretyy cool as well. And as happens with every second hand car you buy, ever since the day I bought it, I've been trying to bring it into a better condition of being everyday. My first experience of our talented mechanics as well.

Office has been hectic as usual, and everyday I get up with renewed optimism to meet all my deadlines, and hey, I'm even meeting a few of them. But work is good, no more of that monotony of staring at some code editor window, waiting for something to happen. Now it's a better mix of a lot more things.

Then in the last 14 days there were the usual occurancs of milaads and outings with friends and family. But the strange thing is, this time the occurances of outings with friends have been the most rare. Strange huh!

Till next time then, will try to be more regular. Yehh right!

Today, at 11.45 pm I created my blog, well as a matter of fact I just found out about this concept today, thanks to Babar, who is forever adamant that he's the simpleton from a village! I really don't know how regular I would be in this, but it's a good feeling to have a place you could visit and just pour out the over-flowing thoughts from your head.